postcard from the edge

So the word on the street this morning was that it was 48 here yesterday; that domestic chickens and tree dwelling birds and marsupials were dropping dead in front of people's eyes....Driving to Warburton in the afternoon to find respite in the river revealed the town to be the only green place, in this part of the state anyway - so dry and drooping the land and trees from here to there to the city and back again.

Our little guy turned 4 yesterday Now officially 'a big boy' and wishing to do many things by himself. He received some money from his sweet grand folk and Aunt and Uncle, and declared that he would buy himself a train with a snow plough, which indeed he did today - the electric variety that goes around and around. He is currently asleep with two carriages in hand. And tonight, with the blessed breeze trying to find its way into our little shack, I bake - all things going to plan - a chocolate banana cake shaped like a train. Tomorrow promises to be cooler somewhat which means the little party can go ahead.

K and I are trying to find our way, through birthday and heat wave and sadness and confusion. It would be helpful to know how to do this separation thing; some kind of manual specifically tailored to us. A simple step by step guide to Moving into New Life with minimal impact on all concerned. Other than breathing deeply, and applying concentrated empathy, it seems we are destined to Make It Up As We Go Along and ride out these days where we feel we are making a right f*** up of it all. I go from not thinking about anything ,just laying about playing four year old games, to following a thousand thoughts about where to live, how to survive financially, will someone ever love and stick it out with me 'til I'm old and wrinkled, will earth crash into sun...etc etc, the former being much more relaxing and some of the latter inevitably requiring consideration. Right now I will contemplate this challenge - coloured icing made from kuzu powder, coconut cream, palm sugar and beetroot. Such is my love of the children and their parents, expressed in this attempt to avoid sugar and artificial additive meltdown. The pure cacao might well keep them awake for some time though. I selflessly licked the bowl to determine its potential affect.
May you and your animals be calm and happy, may your skin care products live to tend another day, may your gardens be revived and your homes be ventilated.

Tuesday....
After Beau's pool party we staggered back to Jen's place, happy and a little sunburned, for dinner. we went out to pick some very challenged but edible silver beet which survived the heat thanks to Jen's care - shaded in a way so very appropriate to Jen's character, in lace curtain - always gorgeous, never shabby.



And now so very sleep deprived and attempting to make good this Time On My Own. resisting the urge to clean...............yup, urge gone!

PS Kuzu icing a total flop, but the Agar Agar version set after some hours in the fridge. Looked a bit more like custard that icing but hey it would have been sweet and aesthetically pleasing. Didn't set in time for party so the train looked somewhat......rustic. A normal person would probably have stuck to the more volatile but dependable old icing sugar ,butter and food colouring variety, but i am apparently bent on being super mum during this challenging period. Somebody slap me!

leonard and salvador, two very fine lads

Dear Mr Cohen, thank you for your humble, generous and absolutely riveting performance last night. You brought tears to our eyes and made us laugh and ponder. By the way I am recently separated and open to rebounding with a dignified older man such as yourself.
yours sincerely Kirti


I have been given the honour of the title of Godmother to these lovely little toes, all 10 of them, plus the hands and fingers, the chubby knees, wispy hair and glorious smile - the whole, delicious Salvador.

gobsmacking

sandra backlund

figs, friends and francophilia

Here's a photo of Teresa and I singing our first song at the festival in December, O the Dreadful Wind and Rain (Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlings version. Looking forward to some more singing. Right now I'm thinking accordion, violin and some french chansons.....

and for Toby and Ryonen, the promised no fail Fig Jam recipe (it's hard to f*** up fig jam really) from Stephanie Alexander...(I love you two xxxxxxxxxxxx)


(photo care of www.foodpast.com)

1kg ripe figs
750g sugar
1 large lemon washed and finely sliced
1/3 cup red wine vinegar (I guess you could use apple cider vinegar???)

slithered almonds and ginger optional

Cut figs into bite size chunks
Mix with sugar and tip into large non reactive saucepan that will hold figs comfortably
Pulse lemon for a few seconds in food processor to make smaller pieces
Add lemon and vinegar to pan
Give it a good stir
Bring to boil over moderate heat
Cook for about 30mins stirring intermittently to prevent sticking
test for setting by placing a dollop on a cold saucer; when it cools you should be able to stick your finger in it and it will part the blob without running back together.
allow to cool for 10 minutes then spoon into hot sterilised jars and seal.

Happy Jamming lovelies.

spoonful of sugar

With no chocolate in reach and no desire to drink, i drown my sorrows at the sartorialist. Look at her, she's fabulous.

I guess I knew the meltdown would come. Immense sadness, around Beau and the imminent division of time, space and objects, the loss of K's company already, fear, anger, all the usual things, plus some relief now and then. It will be a completely new start which will at some point be exciting but currently somewhat overwhelming. The prospect of creating the nest I've wanted for so long (solo)and letting go of everything so that anything is possible.....

On the upside? A barrage of love, and words and offers of support from all corners.
(thank you so much) and the wisdom of those who have been through it all and show how life goes on beautifully.

Beau and i watched Kiki's Delivery Service again tonight. We are on a bit of a Studio Ghibli bender. Friday night is our designated movie night (from which we sometimes stray. If you are ever stuck for good children's films then just peruse the Studio Ghibli selection. The two that are most appropriate for 4 and up are My Neighbour Totoro and Kiki's Delivery Service. Not only are they Japanese Anime at it's best but they absolutely capture the wild free spirit of childhood and are a welcome dose of magic and wholesome goodness for a world weary parent.

Tara is coming along after a whole day of painting. Should be finished any day now..................

Changes

I've been avoiding writing a new post because K and I are separating. I planned to write something comprehensive to explain it all, to make some sense of it, to let it be real etc, etc. It's been a long time coming really and the last week and a half has been pretty huge and at times emotional but I have to say that there is more relief than pain and we are actually fine with each other and working it all out with love and respect. I don't want to say too much here. There's something so sacred about this blog space for me. I want to be honest about what is happening in my life but I don't want this to turn into a temporary blog about separation. I will however happily share any insights from time to time as there have already been many.

It's bloody hot and windy and I'm at home alone while the boys are off to the pool. I plan to paint so as to have Tara finished as soon possible. There are 3 other canvases awaiting and ideas swimming around amongst all the other stuff in my head. I will do some contemplating as to what I might be needing from this point on and of course what is best for Beau. Thankfully we are welcome here for as long as we need to be here. K is going to live in a friend's mobile home on the property while we sort out our lives, with the idea being that it will help Beau with the transition.

I keep checking in with myself, in my body too, to see if there are feelings I'm holding back, keep offering myself to have a bloody good cry or to rage even a little, but there's none of that there. Of course I have my thoughts about what this separation means and I have done my best to pitch all reasons why we should stay together. But the undeniable fact is that I'm just not miserable or angry, and I'm actually enjoying the energy that's released as I bit by bit let go. I'm also noticing that there is no love lost except when thoughts arise to block it. Beau will be loved and Kama and I will be loved and we will continue to love each other as friends and co parents. I'm sure there will be times where either or all of us will find it difficult. Hopefully this respect we still have for each other will make those things easier to negotiate.

We drove down to Red Hill on Sunday with Tine and Mannie, to Jen's 40th (and a half) gathering, just a few friends and family at a home/winery overlooking grape vines and ocean. It felt like Tuscany, far from home and the kids romped about with all that space and sun. Good food, good wine, and very good friends. Much needed.

Dad and Barb were here a couple of weeks ago. It felt right to have the family together for the first time since my brother's wedding, and it was a soft place to land when the reality of separation hit. (I have contact again with my cousin Suz with whom I share a wonderful connection ). Now I miss them all the more. The daughter me is yearning to be closer to Dad. Not so much in self pity but as I said to a friend the other day, more just acknowledging the bond of family throughout all other changes. Even though separated parents always have a bond through their children, it's not the same as the bond of blood. I don't know that my blood family would necessarily be more supportive than our wonderful extended family over here. I'm just prone to moments of great nostalgia at the moment. It's quite soothing.

new year's eve and some christmas craft

Dharma Book cover for K

New Year's Eve around the fire

Matryoshka for Salvador

one man band