Changes

I've been avoiding writing a new post because K and I are separating. I planned to write something comprehensive to explain it all, to make some sense of it, to let it be real etc, etc. It's been a long time coming really and the last week and a half has been pretty huge and at times emotional but I have to say that there is more relief than pain and we are actually fine with each other and working it all out with love and respect. I don't want to say too much here. There's something so sacred about this blog space for me. I want to be honest about what is happening in my life but I don't want this to turn into a temporary blog about separation. I will however happily share any insights from time to time as there have already been many.

It's bloody hot and windy and I'm at home alone while the boys are off to the pool. I plan to paint so as to have Tara finished as soon possible. There are 3 other canvases awaiting and ideas swimming around amongst all the other stuff in my head. I will do some contemplating as to what I might be needing from this point on and of course what is best for Beau. Thankfully we are welcome here for as long as we need to be here. K is going to live in a friend's mobile home on the property while we sort out our lives, with the idea being that it will help Beau with the transition.

I keep checking in with myself, in my body too, to see if there are feelings I'm holding back, keep offering myself to have a bloody good cry or to rage even a little, but there's none of that there. Of course I have my thoughts about what this separation means and I have done my best to pitch all reasons why we should stay together. But the undeniable fact is that I'm just not miserable or angry, and I'm actually enjoying the energy that's released as I bit by bit let go. I'm also noticing that there is no love lost except when thoughts arise to block it. Beau will be loved and Kama and I will be loved and we will continue to love each other as friends and co parents. I'm sure there will be times where either or all of us will find it difficult. Hopefully this respect we still have for each other will make those things easier to negotiate.

We drove down to Red Hill on Sunday with Tine and Mannie, to Jen's 40th (and a half) gathering, just a few friends and family at a home/winery overlooking grape vines and ocean. It felt like Tuscany, far from home and the kids romped about with all that space and sun. Good food, good wine, and very good friends. Much needed.

Dad and Barb were here a couple of weeks ago. It felt right to have the family together for the first time since my brother's wedding, and it was a soft place to land when the reality of separation hit. (I have contact again with my cousin Suz with whom I share a wonderful connection ). Now I miss them all the more. The daughter me is yearning to be closer to Dad. Not so much in self pity but as I said to a friend the other day, more just acknowledging the bond of family throughout all other changes. Even though separated parents always have a bond through their children, it's not the same as the bond of blood. I don't know that my blood family would necessarily be more supportive than our wonderful extended family over here. I'm just prone to moments of great nostalgia at the moment. It's quite soothing.