Matryoshkas

Martin and I spent a blissful morning sitting at the window (with Tom waits growling gloriously from the tape deck)painting these Matryoshka dolls (yes I did say 'tape deck') - for Isabella's birthday. I bought the blank shells from Babushkas in the city - they come in sets of 5 or 7. It's such a lovely thing to do - make them personal - something to keep for a life time. We didn't prime them with white paint initially but I will next time for ease of drawing and for the sake of using less paint. The doll behind the blank shells in the first photograph, was a parting gift when last I left work. Note 'last' left work...I'm thrice employed at the same establishment- so gorgeous are the folk there, customers included, so stimulating the conversation, so excellent the tunes, so free flowing the wit and so wholesome the produce, that I see no reason to seek employment elsewhere. I digress - but I should say that the Matryoshka gift came with a tailored poem so fine that if found it shall be posted.

The Thangka painting and the Matryoshka painting have the same attraction for me - Matryoshka dolls have only been around for about 100 hundred years - the act of making something that has deep historical/cultural/spiritual meaning. Though I haven't a direct cultural connection with either of them I feel connected on other levels and the process is leading me closer to an expression of my own. Which is what most of us are experiencing to varying degrees of progress aren't we ? (insert inspired comment here...)It's only time these days, standing in the way of more paintings. The time will come and meanwhile the visions are plentiful and the precious hours spent painting are sweet.

Sitting in our little studio feeling the sweetness of the cool wind and savouring the earlier sight of a roo jumping through the gully. Everything is seeming so much more precious out here and I am feeling immense gratitude and empathy. The tears are plentiful tonight - the first time I've really had to let the events of the last 6 days sink in, having heard neighbours' stories this morning, read more media, speaking to my aunt who luckily got out of Marysville but lost her home and many friends. There's a strong bond strengthening within the community which has me realise that although I've been here for 6 months I haven't fully entered it, for various reasons. Whilst considering moving back to the city where I might feel less isolated as a single parent, I am all of a sudden feeling more connected here to the land and the people. Contemplating the many ways in which I might be of some benefit whatever I ultimately decide. These are some of the links and places I've come across via blog friends and research.


Nillumbik Shire

Donate to or foster an animal through Animal Aid

Victorian Bushfire Public Accommodation Donation Line - 1800 006 468 (8am-8pm)

To utilise your craft skills;
Knit4charities
Handmade Help
Honey Bee stores are organising care bags to go out to children in bushfire affected areas.

Register to volunteer help at GoVolunteer

Shop at Coles, Safeway and Woolworths tomorrow (Friday 13th Feb) where 100% profit will go to Bushfire aid.

And so much more that Meet Me At Mikes has comprehensively listed on their fantastic blog

I hope I'm not coming across with too much self pity. There is definitely a thread of sadness that relates to K not being here to share the emotional load, and to seeing how Beau is carrying the events of the last month. But above that I can't articulate adequately, the depth of feeling I have for everyone and every being affected, that is connecting me to the grief and pain that is felt all the time in places that are usually removed from me geographically and personally. I know everyone is experiencing the same thing and that this grieving process is important. It's wonderful to read all your posts. You are a lovely bunch indeed.

Changes

I've been avoiding writing a new post because K and I are separating. I planned to write something comprehensive to explain it all, to make some sense of it, to let it be real etc, etc. It's been a long time coming really and the last week and a half has been pretty huge and at times emotional but I have to say that there is more relief than pain and we are actually fine with each other and working it all out with love and respect. I don't want to say too much here. There's something so sacred about this blog space for me. I want to be honest about what is happening in my life but I don't want this to turn into a temporary blog about separation. I will however happily share any insights from time to time as there have already been many.

It's bloody hot and windy and I'm at home alone while the boys are off to the pool. I plan to paint so as to have Tara finished as soon possible. There are 3 other canvases awaiting and ideas swimming around amongst all the other stuff in my head. I will do some contemplating as to what I might be needing from this point on and of course what is best for Beau. Thankfully we are welcome here for as long as we need to be here. K is going to live in a friend's mobile home on the property while we sort out our lives, with the idea being that it will help Beau with the transition.

I keep checking in with myself, in my body too, to see if there are feelings I'm holding back, keep offering myself to have a bloody good cry or to rage even a little, but there's none of that there. Of course I have my thoughts about what this separation means and I have done my best to pitch all reasons why we should stay together. But the undeniable fact is that I'm just not miserable or angry, and I'm actually enjoying the energy that's released as I bit by bit let go. I'm also noticing that there is no love lost except when thoughts arise to block it. Beau will be loved and Kama and I will be loved and we will continue to love each other as friends and co parents. I'm sure there will be times where either or all of us will find it difficult. Hopefully this respect we still have for each other will make those things easier to negotiate.

We drove down to Red Hill on Sunday with Tine and Mannie, to Jen's 40th (and a half) gathering, just a few friends and family at a home/winery overlooking grape vines and ocean. It felt like Tuscany, far from home and the kids romped about with all that space and sun. Good food, good wine, and very good friends. Much needed.

Dad and Barb were here a couple of weeks ago. It felt right to have the family together for the first time since my brother's wedding, and it was a soft place to land when the reality of separation hit. (I have contact again with my cousin Suz with whom I share a wonderful connection ). Now I miss them all the more. The daughter me is yearning to be closer to Dad. Not so much in self pity but as I said to a friend the other day, more just acknowledging the bond of family throughout all other changes. Even though separated parents always have a bond through their children, it's not the same as the bond of blood. I don't know that my blood family would necessarily be more supportive than our wonderful extended family over here. I'm just prone to moments of great nostalgia at the moment. It's quite soothing.

Bit of Christmas crafting and a bit of letting go

Having trouble remembering to photograph the things I've been making of late. I made this Bird mobile for a friend's new bub, in a flash of last minute inspiration and thought only to take a photo in the car (hence attractive vinyl dashboard back drop).

Beau's advent calender is up and the Christmas Fairy nightly brings various small treats or instructions to which end this blog has been really helpful. Trying always to find the balance between getting and giving and to infuse Christmas with meaning. For me it is about family and birth, giving and gratitude and the most fantastic food we can put together. Christmas was magic for me as a kid, Mum went all out to make it so and the main thing for me, as much as I loved receiving presents, were the rituals that evolved for our family; the tree (which we had for 22 years), the way we decorated it, the old stories, the preparation of food,the wrapping and planning and the odd but good humoured family dynamic that was always played out every Christmas lunch - non of it particularly extraordinary but exciting none the less. And even though our family has never been the slightest bit religious, I absolutely loved the stories around baby Jesus born in a barn - the whole nativity thing; the wise men, that big star, arriving on a donkey, Frankincense and Myrrh (which I thought were exotic visitors for a good many years).

My family and I as a whole haven't spent Christmas together for at least 10 years, (probably more in K's case) which I find a little sad. Since mum died our family in general has been somewhat disconnected and which is why I think I'm probably more eager to create a strong sense of family and family rituals than I otherwise might have been. It seems that mothers are the ones who tend to keep extended family together and keep those family rituals alive. Nothing like Christmas to test how many familial expectations there are yet to let go of.

My friend Teresa and I have three gigs coming up, two this weekend and one the day after boxing day. The two this weekend are small but the first for us and for the first time in my life I am actually looking forward to performing. Could it be that my long time and crippling fear of singing in front of people is finally lifting? I do believe so. I think it has much to do with the practice of trying to stay present and therefore spending less time in thought about something that will happen in the future, and much to do with getting older and worrying less about what other people think. It could be, that having just turned 41, I may finally be learning something.

makin' and bakin'

And yay verily the bread was good and the people ate of it and were glad. It's REAL good.

Some Christmas crafting has begun and as often happens when I sit down to hand stitch something, my thoughts turned to my Nanna who died when I was three - consequently I have no memory of her save photos and her beautiful wooden sewing box which still contains some of her tools. She crocheted lace doilies and embroidered a multitude of domestic cloths and knitted the pram rug that became my dearly beloved security blanket. at one time I was also in possession of her antique Singer sewing machine and many other gorgeous pieces of jewelry and crockery, her wood glory box (which I still have) and her old German piano. All I can say is, that if the urge to run completely feral across the country over comes you, resist the urge to give away/sell such precious items and consider future selves and generations. I sadly mourn these things despite the logic of having had nowhere to keep them until the wanderlust subsided.

The sewing box is therefore every dear to me and I humbly imagine that a little of Nan has come back through me!

I got lost in Ikea yesterday, looking for a shower curtain and of course then emerged 2 hours later with tea light holders, heart-shaped and star-shaped ice cube trays, a new dyne cover for Beau, the shower curtain, and this very popular Twin Share Dog Bed. Bookings essential.

Today a blissful day by the river in the winter sun, with a thermos of tea and snacks and camera and plenty of time. I bought a bargain pile of books for Beau from the local second hand bookshop. I realise my growing addiction to children’s’ books may be our one obstacle in actually getting all the way to WA…

Beau did a spectacular flip off a piece of playground equipment half way through the day and won himself a doozie of an egg on his forehead, which smearings and sprayings of arnica seem to have eased somewhat.


We went to visit the beautiful, about- to –birth- any- moment Ms T; pantry fully stocked and lounge room all warm and womb-like, birth pool awaiting water, candles lining the mantle, fire wood stacked, so organised and peaceful with the air of anticipation, so delicious to be reminded. Blessings T, M and T!


Now if you will excuse me I have to go and find out what happens when Lupin and Bill go to redeem Mad Eye Moody's body....

Super 8 Date

Back to the country to visit L and M, where they set up the Super 8 projector so that we could watch the film of us all 35 years ago! Amazing. I'd forgotten how much hair Dad had, how groovy Mum's red flairs were, how small we once were, how wide and quiet our street, how 'Country Town' Perth truly was.....so many things in 10 minutes. Many memories for us all, a big history, many miles crossed to see each other over many years. A slight tinge of regret at burning my 30 odd diaries 9 years ago. I'd been keeping them since i was 13 and one night in Byron Bay I made a fire in the back yard of the house I was sitting, and burned them all one by one. At the time it felt like a very important shedding. Now and then though I think there have been times like that where I have been too hasty to 'liberate' certain objects from my possession. But you just never know how you will feel in the future, as a parent, with paths converging and vague memories surfacing , and the backdrop of that past about to become the present once more!

One day when all our things are in the one place again, out of boxes and in my hands, I will post some old photos.Perhaps you might like to post some of yours! I think there has been a Flashback Friday thang going on around the blogosphere.

come on baby light my fire....

The lovely Ms Hen, CB and BB arrived today from the West. We are planning a snow visit with them on the weekend. Neither K nor Beau have ever seen snow so we figured it may as well be now before we return to the Mediterranean-like shores of WA where there is not a snow flake's hope in hell of seeing a snow flake (although it did snow briefly in Kalamunda a few years ago I hear...) Ms Hen came baring gorgeous gifts (thanks again and to Tim's excellent thrifting eye). That apron is totally fabulous still with original tag from good old Boans department store which was an institution back in Perth's old days.




I've been having the odd freak out over leaving Melbourne and so it's good to be reminded of the good folk on the other side too!

Still reading the Divided Heart (see last post) and finding so much juice in it. One thing that most of the women Rachel interviewed seem to share is the ability to work very fast and be very creative and productive in the small chunks of time available in a day just "by sheer necessity". Mostly during their babies' nap times or in the wee hours of the morning before everyone else wakes up . Many of them talk about how productive and exciting those periods of time were in early motherhood; that the experience of early motherhood was so deep and rich and confronting and raw, they were compelled to create, sometimes in order to make sense of it. I'm wondering how it is/has been for all of you? Is that how you work? Was early motherhood like that for you?

If I think about my experience with Beau as a baby, I was so exhausted with mastitis and so absorbed with navigating the unknown waters of early motherhood and really it's only recently that I've started to think about sitting down to any kind of project let alone something as 'big' as writing a book or painting towards an exhibition, or recording an album. These are achievements that I find truly awesome given that unlike many of the the women Rachel interviewed, I haven't felt driven to do anything but get through a day with everyone fed and happy. But definitely I have been gathering seeds for the future. And similarly to those women, I feel that motherhood has opened my eyes and my heart and I feel so much more strongly or perhaps clearly about things that I couldn't really have expressed prior to being a mother; I feel everything more intensely. The primal act of giving birth and the reshaping of the psyche that comes of it is such a gift; in the way a Shaman has to experience a symbolic death and rebirth in order to fully step into the role. It's as if I've stepped into myself more fully since and so I feel I have things to say.

I've often wondered where is the fire in MY belly that so many people seem to have, that drives them into acts of greatness and beauty (or not!) and on into the next thing and the next. I do see it in the day to day events of my life; a drive to make the best of the mundane existence, to beautify it, make it meaningful. Rachel asked one woman something to the effect of "Do you try to perfect a life or a work?" I wonder can they be one and the same? I see in so many of us the deep commitment to our children; consciously parenting and endeavoring to do the best we can as an artist would in the midst of a project. Would I be satisfied to look back on my life and see that motherhood was my Magnum Opus? I think lately I am being more realistic and taking notice of the elusive 'thing' that I catch glimpse of; a shimmering something out the corner of my eye, something that wants to be caught but we are still just flirting with each other. It started to appear not long after I began blogging. I don't think it can be helped. If there's even just a smoldering coal of an artistic life in one's heart, it's obviously going to get fanned by witnessing the work and lives of women who are stoking their own blazing fires or at the very least giving them a bloody good fanning!

6 Things I Like Today - simple stuff...

(yesterday for me too...) Tagged by Esti

1. Morning tea with my boys and D and M and little R, in Carlton out in the glorious winter sun.

2. ALL the washing getting dry in the sun.


3. Beau spending a long time 'loving [his] tree'.

4. Gazing at clouds (and my new boots).


5. Afternoon walk with my three favourite boys.


6. Last bit of colour as the afternoon sun fades.


I tag msaims and jo; if you would care to play ladies. xxxx

Some boats, some trees, some excitement....

We are still in 'holiday' mode with K home and the days stretching out before us, lists of things to do but our own time to do them. Lots of walks and a long morning at the boat house. I've always loved sitting at the harbour or jetty where boats are tied, listening to the sound of water lapping and ropes creaking and boats butting. Beau can spend hours chasing birds, feeding ducks, hopping in and out of boats watching the water....

I do appreciate Melbourne as a city with many places of nature and beauty to spend time as a family; the creeks, the boat houses, gardens, Children's Farm, CERES...As long as we end up with a good chunk of land on which to build our little oasis I promise not to pine for them at all!

Lots of knitting going on here. Scarves for the bro and another scarf with dry felting on the way and then socks. I found easy vest and beanie patterns. My friend discovered two glorious wool shops on the other side of town and showed me her booty today. I never dreamed I could get so excited about wool. And yet here I am. I'm excited.

I must also share with you my apprehension toward the film 'Love In The Time of Cholera'. The book is my all time favourite, read many times, once out aloud with a previous partner on the road around the country. I love this story so much that I am tentative, dubious, cautious, down right scared damn it, to cast my eyes upon someone else's visual interpretation lest I be disappointed yet again by another adaptation. Will curiosity get the better of me?? Stay tuned....

out and about

Good to get out in the cold afternoon by the creek near CERES .
Finding our rhythm as a three person household again. Plans to move West are being discussed.
Today I went out on my own for the first time in 5 weeks. God it was blissful. I just pootled for 3 hours. I finally got to go to the Handweavers and Spinners Guild of Victoria such delicious wool/colours/textures.

Then I hung out in a book shop...dawdled, browsed, faffed, drank coffee, stared out the cafe window, vagued out completely. Loved it.

Out of India

The man left India but India has not left the man. It remains with him in a way that one can't really know I guess until one has been there, but the video footage K has taken gives a little taste. Needless to say we are looking forward to visiting the mountain all together one day.


VERY nice to have him home. My lovely man. Beau is radiant.

Knitting more scarves and starting on a pair of socks. Will post link to sock pattern next post.
Haven't started the doll. Quite an art it seems and I think I need some guidance!

An Ode to Number One Son

Two more sleeps until K is home. Not that I'm counting or anything....It's been a huge learning curve, 4 weeks one on one parenting, no child care, no grandparent intervention, no hour here and there to wander a street and sit in a cafe or shop without a toy lane tantrum, double the amount of cuddles, a new wordless communication (I've got the 'Don't you dare' stare down to a fine art), and a deep and humbling respect for single parents everywhere, especially those without ex partners sharing care, or families close by to step in....

When K is home and all is back to 'normal' I might miss the daily rhythm that was just Beau's and mine. I will not miss 12 hours a day making sure boy and dog don't hurt each other. 4 weeks has gone quickly. Too long for family to be apart when the luxury of choice is afforded. Looking forward to having my man by my side and preparing for the Big Move West, and to seeing Beau's face when Dad comes into view.

Thanks fabulous little person for putting up with me and teaching me about surrender and the ongoing navigation of the mysterious labyrinth of love.

old friends and new friends

We spent the weekend with these two lovely people who I have known since I was Beau's age. They live in the country on 5 glorious acres on which Beau and the pooches romped and explored. Many memories come flooding back when I am with them. I'm so glad Beau can have this connection with them. Thank you dear ones for a great weekend. We do love you.

What do you do when it's too wet and cold to play outside? Get nude and do it anyway!




Proving that it's never too cold or wet to do anything really.

Today a play date with MsAims and Bubble and Squeak. Hours of fun and tea consumption. A tired but very satisfied boy fell asleep in record time as a result.

Last night was my last at choir as leader. What a great bunch of people and what an amazing experience it has been for me. I'd never run a choir before and felt very green and nervous when I began with them 2 years ago. Gradually, with their willingness and warmth and my determination to offer something good and fun, we found our synergy. Now that we have a new leader, I'm looking forward to being in the choir instead of in front of it, until we head west.

I realised this will be the first of many 'last....'. The time before leaving a place is can be one of the best , when appreciation is at it's height, relationships and places are savoured. We sometimes ask each other "Are we still going to WA?" and have a laugh. Because it's not worth taking life TOO seriously.