a few things from last week

Smoke in the gully

Knitting a blanket for Bridge's soon to be born baby #3. So very much looking forward to seeing him/her appear.

22 Feb - Trying to get back into some kind of rhythm. Met with all the neighbours today who are part of our fire phone tree. A lovely bunch of people who I am only just getting to know. Tomorrow another warm one with big winds forecast. The unease is still with us all and the bags are packed with necessities for days in town. I put in an application for a very sweet little house further in toward town which coincidentally is being vacated by a woman I know and her 3 year old daughter. The house exuded her warmth and lusciousness. With that and the knowledge that it has nurtured another single mama before me, I thought it worth a try. I'm craving a home so much, one that Beau and I can be in for at least 2 years. It really truly is time to stop and be still. (I've just read back over almost all my blog entries and am reminded that this has been a running theme...)

Sitting in our little studio feeling the sweetness of the cool wind and savouring the earlier sight of a roo jumping through the gully. Everything is seeming so much more precious out here and I am feeling immense gratitude and empathy. The tears are plentiful tonight - the first time I've really had to let the events of the last 6 days sink in, having heard neighbours' stories this morning, read more media, speaking to my aunt who luckily got out of Marysville but lost her home and many friends. There's a strong bond strengthening within the community which has me realise that although I've been here for 6 months I haven't fully entered it, for various reasons. Whilst considering moving back to the city where I might feel less isolated as a single parent, I am all of a sudden feeling more connected here to the land and the people. Contemplating the many ways in which I might be of some benefit whatever I ultimately decide. These are some of the links and places I've come across via blog friends and research.


Nillumbik Shire

Donate to or foster an animal through Animal Aid

Victorian Bushfire Public Accommodation Donation Line - 1800 006 468 (8am-8pm)

To utilise your craft skills;
Knit4charities
Handmade Help
Honey Bee stores are organising care bags to go out to children in bushfire affected areas.

Register to volunteer help at GoVolunteer

Shop at Coles, Safeway and Woolworths tomorrow (Friday 13th Feb) where 100% profit will go to Bushfire aid.

And so much more that Meet Me At Mikes has comprehensively listed on their fantastic blog

I hope I'm not coming across with too much self pity. There is definitely a thread of sadness that relates to K not being here to share the emotional load, and to seeing how Beau is carrying the events of the last month. But above that I can't articulate adequately, the depth of feeling I have for everyone and every being affected, that is connecting me to the grief and pain that is felt all the time in places that are usually removed from me geographically and personally. I know everyone is experiencing the same thing and that this grieving process is important. It's wonderful to read all your posts. You are a lovely bunch indeed.

figs, friends and francophilia

Here's a photo of Teresa and I singing our first song at the festival in December, O the Dreadful Wind and Rain (Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlings version. Looking forward to some more singing. Right now I'm thinking accordion, violin and some french chansons.....

and for Toby and Ryonen, the promised no fail Fig Jam recipe (it's hard to f*** up fig jam really) from Stephanie Alexander...(I love you two xxxxxxxxxxxx)


(photo care of www.foodpast.com)

1kg ripe figs
750g sugar
1 large lemon washed and finely sliced
1/3 cup red wine vinegar (I guess you could use apple cider vinegar???)

slithered almonds and ginger optional

Cut figs into bite size chunks
Mix with sugar and tip into large non reactive saucepan that will hold figs comfortably
Pulse lemon for a few seconds in food processor to make smaller pieces
Add lemon and vinegar to pan
Give it a good stir
Bring to boil over moderate heat
Cook for about 30mins stirring intermittently to prevent sticking
test for setting by placing a dollop on a cold saucer; when it cools you should be able to stick your finger in it and it will part the blob without running back together.
allow to cool for 10 minutes then spoon into hot sterilised jars and seal.

Happy Jamming lovelies.

Changes

I've been avoiding writing a new post because K and I are separating. I planned to write something comprehensive to explain it all, to make some sense of it, to let it be real etc, etc. It's been a long time coming really and the last week and a half has been pretty huge and at times emotional but I have to say that there is more relief than pain and we are actually fine with each other and working it all out with love and respect. I don't want to say too much here. There's something so sacred about this blog space for me. I want to be honest about what is happening in my life but I don't want this to turn into a temporary blog about separation. I will however happily share any insights from time to time as there have already been many.

It's bloody hot and windy and I'm at home alone while the boys are off to the pool. I plan to paint so as to have Tara finished as soon possible. There are 3 other canvases awaiting and ideas swimming around amongst all the other stuff in my head. I will do some contemplating as to what I might be needing from this point on and of course what is best for Beau. Thankfully we are welcome here for as long as we need to be here. K is going to live in a friend's mobile home on the property while we sort out our lives, with the idea being that it will help Beau with the transition.

I keep checking in with myself, in my body too, to see if there are feelings I'm holding back, keep offering myself to have a bloody good cry or to rage even a little, but there's none of that there. Of course I have my thoughts about what this separation means and I have done my best to pitch all reasons why we should stay together. But the undeniable fact is that I'm just not miserable or angry, and I'm actually enjoying the energy that's released as I bit by bit let go. I'm also noticing that there is no love lost except when thoughts arise to block it. Beau will be loved and Kama and I will be loved and we will continue to love each other as friends and co parents. I'm sure there will be times where either or all of us will find it difficult. Hopefully this respect we still have for each other will make those things easier to negotiate.

We drove down to Red Hill on Sunday with Tine and Mannie, to Jen's 40th (and a half) gathering, just a few friends and family at a home/winery overlooking grape vines and ocean. It felt like Tuscany, far from home and the kids romped about with all that space and sun. Good food, good wine, and very good friends. Much needed.

Dad and Barb were here a couple of weeks ago. It felt right to have the family together for the first time since my brother's wedding, and it was a soft place to land when the reality of separation hit. (I have contact again with my cousin Suz with whom I share a wonderful connection ). Now I miss them all the more. The daughter me is yearning to be closer to Dad. Not so much in self pity but as I said to a friend the other day, more just acknowledging the bond of family throughout all other changes. Even though separated parents always have a bond through their children, it's not the same as the bond of blood. I don't know that my blood family would necessarily be more supportive than our wonderful extended family over here. I'm just prone to moments of great nostalgia at the moment. It's quite soothing.

wild

As you can tell I'm sure, I'm very excited about all this nature. I just can't think of a reason to go into the city, other than to see people who I hope will prefer to come here..all these beautiful orchids, tiny and richly coloured and detailed, growing amongst the rough natives and rubble and weeds. The neighbours up the road took Beau and I on a walk to see them today. They know the names of almost every plant in their area. I can't remember many of them, except for spider orchid and egg and bacon flower and the yellow one called Donkey's Ears or similar...Now I understand why our Botanist friend Ryonen speaks of plants as though they are people with personalities.

Every day we walk. It's all I want to do, just stroll through the whisper and the light and the crunch of twigs and leaves under foot.

Today we had L and T visit and we joined the lovelies in the big house for soup and fresh market bread. I have the privilege of cradling the new born babe in my arms each day, his blissful snuffling poking at my heart, sending my hormones berserk.

So quiet and dark. I have never seen Beau so free and happy. May there be a place for us here somewhere where we can plant and birth, settle, breathe, stop moving, know the names of trees and plants and animals and neighbours.

Soft landing

Again thanks to dear friends, this time in the fair hills, we have a cosy, temporary home.Here we shall stay until we find a place of our own . It is truly wholesome with kangaroos breakfasting outside our windows, trees and wild orchids as far as the eye can see, kookaburras and rosellas and cockatoos, view of the hills and not a hint of traffic noise. We went for a long bush walk today. Beau goes to bed exhausted and serenely happy. K is going to sell fabulous dharma books, I am going to make a picture book and learn some bluegrass and Beau is going to learn the names of trees and animals. One day soon there will be a mud brick home of our own, chickens and a vege patch and if I have my way, a goat to herd. The house hunting continues....

We are exhausted (hence I am cutting and pasting this post from a bulk email)but happy and relieved.

i never thought I'd say this but I don;t know what the hell I'd do without a computer and a spiffy new one at that. At the moment it's also a telephone, diary, DVD player, source of all music; it has officially replaced all other technology AND my brain. K is a marvel. My very own PC Whisperer. Also very good looking, loving father, sexy, sensational cook, funny, exceptional dancer (will that do it babe?)

I re strung my guitar and sang a few tunes this evening which is a sign that I am relaxing into the flow of life. I have seriously neglected Dolores lately but we are getting to know one another again....

The 'neighbours' are under the weather as well as in New Born Baby Land so it's good that we are here to support them too. Can't stop thanking them.

Here's a very funny lady for your viewing pleasure Nina Conti

sweet retreat

Saturday midday, left the boys happily doing their thang....


and fetched the gorgeous Bridge to head for these ....


for some of this....



and one of these....


in between lying around like this....

(what is it about a pristinely clean, white toweling bath robe?)

consuming yet more of this.....

(Please note presence of books indicating periods of time spent in, (as were termed the 15 minutes immediately following lunch break at my High School...) U.S.S.R or Uninterrupted Sustained Silent Reading....)

And then driving back to the city after more than 24 hours of adult conversation, a good night's sleep, a belly full of home-made treats, some looking at and some discussion of art, and the pleasurable thought of coming home to our boys, refreshed. Thanks sweet Bridge, what a joy!

I got lost in Ikea yesterday, looking for a shower curtain and of course then emerged 2 hours later with tea light holders, heart-shaped and star-shaped ice cube trays, a new dyne cover for Beau, the shower curtain, and this very popular Twin Share Dog Bed. Bookings essential.

Today a blissful day by the river in the winter sun, with a thermos of tea and snacks and camera and plenty of time. I bought a bargain pile of books for Beau from the local second hand bookshop. I realise my growing addiction to children’s’ books may be our one obstacle in actually getting all the way to WA…

Beau did a spectacular flip off a piece of playground equipment half way through the day and won himself a doozie of an egg on his forehead, which smearings and sprayings of arnica seem to have eased somewhat.


We went to visit the beautiful, about- to –birth- any- moment Ms T; pantry fully stocked and lounge room all warm and womb-like, birth pool awaiting water, candles lining the mantle, fire wood stacked, so organised and peaceful with the air of anticipation, so delicious to be reminded. Blessings T, M and T!


Now if you will excuse me I have to go and find out what happens when Lupin and Bill go to redeem Mad Eye Moody's body....

memoires

Msaims, Esti, Fifi re your comments; It's as if we can't help ourselves isn't it! From diaries to blogs, writing and recording, photographing and painting. Catching memories and moments before they fly off, for our children,ourselves, far away family. I never would have shared my diaries, but this blog is different. It's because of other people that it exists. With my diaries there was always the threat of exposure yet here I can't wait to find out that someone has read my thoughts and seen into my life. We share what we can and the rest is happily left on the inside or positioned ambiguously on a painting or a song or such like. I have all my visual diaries from art school and I still keep a diary, sporadically, often i write when I just need to sort out my thoughts or a chunk of time has passed and Beau has moved into a new realm and I want to describe it all. I followed pregnancy and his birth and I've kept aside photos and ultrasound and god lord even the pregnancy test??!! So that one day I can make a little book that will be the prelude to this. Amanda had the contents of her blog turned into a book at one point which I thought was a wonderful idea. I wonder how long we will all keep this up?

Beau at 3 months

The other night I went to dinner with 6 of my mama friends (and sadly forgot to take my camera!!!). We all had kids around the same time and started our own little playgroup. They are gorgeous women, beautiful, youthful, loving mamas, talented and easy to be with. It's been nearly 4 years since we had a gathering without children by our sides and we spent the night eating, drinking tea, talking intensely and laughing. So much laughing! We were the last to leave and parted wearily but reluctantly and with the promise to do it again soon. I will miss these women. We have been through the biggest times of our lives. But I realised too that these experiences connect all mothers in some way or another and that on the other side of the country there will be friends with whom I might pick up where I left off here. And the joy of blogging friendships is that you can take them wherever you go! So I'm sad and excited all at once!

Super 8 Date

Back to the country to visit L and M, where they set up the Super 8 projector so that we could watch the film of us all 35 years ago! Amazing. I'd forgotten how much hair Dad had, how groovy Mum's red flairs were, how small we once were, how wide and quiet our street, how 'Country Town' Perth truly was.....so many things in 10 minutes. Many memories for us all, a big history, many miles crossed to see each other over many years. A slight tinge of regret at burning my 30 odd diaries 9 years ago. I'd been keeping them since i was 13 and one night in Byron Bay I made a fire in the back yard of the house I was sitting, and burned them all one by one. At the time it felt like a very important shedding. Now and then though I think there have been times like that where I have been too hasty to 'liberate' certain objects from my possession. But you just never know how you will feel in the future, as a parent, with paths converging and vague memories surfacing , and the backdrop of that past about to become the present once more!

One day when all our things are in the one place again, out of boxes and in my hands, I will post some old photos.Perhaps you might like to post some of yours! I think there has been a Flashback Friday thang going on around the blogosphere.

What the sky gave us #2

Yesterday afternoon, one of those 'blink and you'll miss it' moments. The brightest, clearest piece of rainbow.


Sock yarn from Suse finally untangled (took me two tangled skeins to work out that one should wind into ball first. Not real yarn smart..) Think I will try a size smaller needles. They is gonna be awful purdy.

And slow but sure progress on this painting; I now have two days a week to work, paint, have my own space...now that K is working from home. Found a warm sunny spot in the laundry to prop up the canvas and hang out with Tara. It's great to have the time though I really miss Beau. One day could almost be enough. But he gets to have those days with K which is bliss for them and I get to make head way in my work (and break to have coffee with the lovely Bridget, both of us sans children) so really everyone is happy. And that's what we hope for!

snow

What a heavenly thing all that snow. Misty, delicate, cold and abundant. A brilliant day with the Hens, a couple of toboggans, a thermos of tea and a few Gender- Non-Specific Snow Persons that crumbled instantly at the hands of a small snow tiger.

Heidi in the sun

Ok I think I've Moved On from the theme of the last two posts now. Can talk about other stuff...phew.

Beau and I and the Lovelies from the West spent the afternoon at the Heidi which in the 6 years I have lived in Melbourne, I had never visited. Beautiful winter day, quiet, hardly anyone there.

Beau got through the day splendidly despite being unable to touch the most touchable sculptures and paintings. It was fun looking with him, not with an artist's eye but with a child's eye. I love how your kids pull you into their private world when you are in public, into their adventures with innocent disregard for social and cultural etiquette.

Joy Hester Girl With Book on Head. ( Love her work).

I could imagine John and Sunday Reed, and their Siamese cats, and fellow Penguin friends (and their kids!?), hanging out, making art, waxing lyrical and philosophical, growing veges, having affairs, lots of walks beneath those glorious trees and drinking some good wine......