Changes

I've been avoiding writing a new post because K and I are separating. I planned to write something comprehensive to explain it all, to make some sense of it, to let it be real etc, etc. It's been a long time coming really and the last week and a half has been pretty huge and at times emotional but I have to say that there is more relief than pain and we are actually fine with each other and working it all out with love and respect. I don't want to say too much here. There's something so sacred about this blog space for me. I want to be honest about what is happening in my life but I don't want this to turn into a temporary blog about separation. I will however happily share any insights from time to time as there have already been many.

It's bloody hot and windy and I'm at home alone while the boys are off to the pool. I plan to paint so as to have Tara finished as soon possible. There are 3 other canvases awaiting and ideas swimming around amongst all the other stuff in my head. I will do some contemplating as to what I might be needing from this point on and of course what is best for Beau. Thankfully we are welcome here for as long as we need to be here. K is going to live in a friend's mobile home on the property while we sort out our lives, with the idea being that it will help Beau with the transition.

I keep checking in with myself, in my body too, to see if there are feelings I'm holding back, keep offering myself to have a bloody good cry or to rage even a little, but there's none of that there. Of course I have my thoughts about what this separation means and I have done my best to pitch all reasons why we should stay together. But the undeniable fact is that I'm just not miserable or angry, and I'm actually enjoying the energy that's released as I bit by bit let go. I'm also noticing that there is no love lost except when thoughts arise to block it. Beau will be loved and Kama and I will be loved and we will continue to love each other as friends and co parents. I'm sure there will be times where either or all of us will find it difficult. Hopefully this respect we still have for each other will make those things easier to negotiate.

We drove down to Red Hill on Sunday with Tine and Mannie, to Jen's 40th (and a half) gathering, just a few friends and family at a home/winery overlooking grape vines and ocean. It felt like Tuscany, far from home and the kids romped about with all that space and sun. Good food, good wine, and very good friends. Much needed.

Dad and Barb were here a couple of weeks ago. It felt right to have the family together for the first time since my brother's wedding, and it was a soft place to land when the reality of separation hit. (I have contact again with my cousin Suz with whom I share a wonderful connection ). Now I miss them all the more. The daughter me is yearning to be closer to Dad. Not so much in self pity but as I said to a friend the other day, more just acknowledging the bond of family throughout all other changes. Even though separated parents always have a bond through their children, it's not the same as the bond of blood. I don't know that my blood family would necessarily be more supportive than our wonderful extended family over here. I'm just prone to moments of great nostalgia at the moment. It's quite soothing.

Green Day at a local farm.




My elephant.



Beau's Island

There's a definite rhythm to life out here now for which I am very grateful and which seems to satisfy the three of us. It's always obvious how much happier Beau is when he can count on a big portion of daily/weekly activities being familiar. When he knows what's coming he gets such a sense of confidence and cooperation and calm. That's not to say that spontaneity doesn't work. K and I wouldn't be ourselves if that disappeared from our life but as a family we all feel the peace and flow that comes from rhythm and dare I say it some good ol' fashion routine. All the more important for us because we have moved around so much and so there are some daily 'rituals 'that we would go collectively insane without. The dinner to bedtime routine for Beau for example never changes except for the location, our mornings and the way we interact with nature and the neighbours now we are here.

Beau's (almost four year old)increasing ability to stay with an activity for an extended period of time is a pleasure for us all. Whether it be wood carving or chopping veges or painting or clay modeling etc, finally we are all getting our teeth stuck into things parents must let go of in the presence of young toddlers with short attention spans . It gives me some insight into the potential for homeschooling which feels to be the right thing for our family. We have started researching and it seems there is a good network in our area. This has been the main issue for us, that Beau would have access to other home schooled kids and shared activities and that we would have support as home schooling parents. I'm so inspired by Amanda,
Ella,
Linda
Blue Yonder and many others whom I have come across in the blogosphere who have chosen to school at home.
We are excited at the idea that home life, play, spiritual practice and education can be integrated, especially now that we are living in the country (Oh how I love to say that; We Live In The Country).

At long last w can say that we are closer to the lifestyle that we have often dreamed of. That in fact I have dreamed of for as long as I can remember. (on parallel with international Jazz Diva which is not of course out of the question either, but is really more about the frocks) Our home life is simplified and slowed down, our working lives are in line with our creative passions, we spend a great deal of time together as a family, we have a stronger sense of community, we are giving our relationship some much needed attention, and we are researching the other ways in which we can create a more simple, sustainable, self-sufficient and communal life style.

The next step for us is to find land, incurring the smallest possible (if not non-existent) mortgage; ideally with two or three other families. We are researching alternative building techniques(in particular Cob) and drinking up any literature about self-sufficiency and simple living; one reason why I'm so glad I found Linda's Blog and book, and so happy for runs and re runs during my child hood of Felicity Kendal and The Good Life.

To some of our friends and family we probably seem very idealistic. It may be so, but we have spent so many years trying to 'fit in', to consume and conform and control, on our own, on others' terms and felt so little satisfaction and much confusion that this year has been about following our hearts and stripping back enough to see what we really need and what we can live without. We find ourselves now in a tiny studio, on a tiny income, with minimal possessions and a lot of time. This has been made possible with years of dreaming and periods of hard slog, a small ($11,000) financial loan from family, a short spell as mortgagees, the reduction of our relationship to a series of practical instructions at the end of a day, a timely and profitable house sale, a bloody enormous amount of letting go, the paying off of all debts, a small but nevertheless very helpful nest egg that is ours, the generosity of beloved friends and the determination to prove to ourselves and each other that we can really truly live as we choose.

The suffering of our relationship over the past 5 years has been in part due to external pressures but mostly due to our respective experience of them. We have coexisted as housemates and managed the day to day living with some ease. We have been parenting with a shared passion for the well being of our child. We have experienced the 'Ships in the Night' passing that can completely wipe out the possibility for intimacy. We have felt that our visions for the future have been completely at odds with each other. We have come face to face with our own feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction to the point where the idea of not being together was mentioned far too many times. Then we pulled the pin on what seemed to be the only real shared plan of action, consequently threw ourselves into complete chaos and confusion, got Very Stressed and Very Pissed Off until we landed here with enough time and space to get back to being nice to each other and patient and, lo and behold, to finding that what we envisage from here on is increasingly the same.

We have a way to go but thanks to the 'C' word ('counseling' just before you get too carried away) which, neither of us had ever had up until three weeks ago, and about which both of us have been dubious ("Oh look, we can sort it out can't we anyway it's YOUR fault...")but for which we are now very thankful because eventually slogging it out on your own can get rather boring, exhausting and just generally no where.

I will spare you any further details about our personal life. I think I've managed to Share the important bits without dragging you into domestic drama. I'm sure you all have/had your own share. Good bloody on you if not!

Suffice to say we have managed not to scar Beau emotionally along the way, though maybe counseling somewhere down the line in his own adult life may reveal otherwise. Let us hope that we may be evolving and parenting in such a way that our kids might be spared the need.

My 45 minutes appear to be up. Thanks for listening.

woolly gifts and a new groove

Soft, warm woolly scarves for dearly beloveds. I'm thinking about all the patterns/motifs I can dry felt onto finished pieces.

Oh this cold, cold day.....we resisted going out into it until 4 o'clock by when Beau and I were in great need of our afternoon walk. Despite the cold he still prefers getting shoes, hat and scarf off. I'm like a sergeant major running behind him trying to cover his flesh from the attacking wind. Lately Beau has been talking a lot about his 'different house' with his 'different mummy' and 'different daddy'. When we go out walking he says "do you want to go to my different place? It's just around the corner. You can stay there too!!' we never get there though it's always just around the corner. The last two afternoons on arriving home he has been in tears because we didn't go to the different place. The strength of the toddler imagination is unrivaled. Oh to have a glimpse of what that all means to him/ how it looks from his dimension.

K and I still trying to find our rhythm together. We are aiming for a comfortable groove like a bossa nova or more ambitiously a sultry tango, but we seem to be stuck in some kind of out of whack jazz improvisation where we keep having to stop and look at the chart to work out where the hell we are.....K has come back from India deeply and profoundly moved and drawn to being at the mountain again, preferably with us. I also feel a pull to the place. But I also want very much for us to have another baby and find our 'home'. So we are kind of pushing and pulling and bumping back into each other and then floating out again..trying to relax about it too and trust that we will find a way to compromise to the satisfaction of all three of us. Rinpoche talks about all people/beings experiencing life from completely different dimensions. We don't really know anything about anyone though we like to think we do. So my practice at the moment is to try to look at K as though I know absolutely nothing about him. On the rare occasion I can get my head out of my arse, that practice makes all the difference to our day!

Mystery

Self portrait with Camel. Playing around with the Web cam to see if I can get a decent photo. Apparently not! I managed to nut out a pattern for the camel on my own, but have ordered a book so that I can make animals that do not resemble failed genetic experiments. Not too bad though and such is the way I work. I'm a little impatient when it comes to instructions and tend to have a crack at it alone. A few failed attempts usually lead to success (with some colourful language issued along the way and threats to terminate the lives of the tools involved). I am now however trying something new. Due to time restraints I am all for the blessed instructions put forth by those who have gone before us.

How my title photo squeezed itself into the title frame is a great mystery. Is someone logging into my blog and performing random acts of neatness?? Or do such things simply correct themselves over time? I WAS quite fond of the enormity of the tulip view!

I was going to do the 7 things about me meme after reading Soozs last post, and then I got carried away so to anyone who cares to read a long list of facts about me, go for it. It's mainly just to entertain myself at 1.35am (too many cups of tea).

1. I never forget to eat. Some people say 'I was so busy/tired/excited/depressed/broke/sick today I didn't eat'. I find this difficult to understand. Only in the midst of acute Gastro would I not think about or take measures to acquire my next meal/snack.

2. I speak Danish. I have a Danish name. I am not Danish.However I was married to a lovely Danish man when I was 25 and lived in Danmark at the time so I almost passed, except that now and then I would innocently use a word that was completely out of context and I was often thought to be a little odd by strangers. Therefore...

3. I am very patient with non English speaking people who so bravely attempt our difficult language (Danish very simple by comparison in my opinion).

4. I have lived in 31 different houses, in 6 different towns, in 3 different states, in 3 different countries in the last 29 years. I am now very eager to STOP MOVING and become a jam making, routine loving, family focused and firmly planted farmer's wife. (which means K will have to become a farmer because I am NOT getting married yet another time).

5. I am petrified of singing in public, especially my own songs, but when given the opportunity to public speak something else happens and I secretly (not any more) desire to be a stand up comedian, MC or chat show host...who is ...also a farmer's wife....

6. Despite being apparently restless and impulsive by nature, the requirements of motherhood to provide some level of consistency, responsibility, stability and clear guidance actually occur for me as a joy and a great relief. I do believe I may well have turned out to be rather more self indulgent were it not for Beau's grounding presence. This probably due to having Sun in Sagittarius and a Capricorn ascendant which on a good day can be great, and on another day be bloody confusing.

7. I have a very bad sense of smell. . I once stood in a kitchen with smoke spewing from a toaster and didn't noticed until I hung up and turned around. But strangely I will get a strong and real whiff of something when no one else around me can smell a thing.

8.Before Beau was born I used to swear too much. Especially the F word. I think it's lazy to swear so much. F*** it.

9. I birthed Beau at home in the water. He weighed 11lbs (5kg) at birth. As our second midwife arrived just before second stage, she announced that the baby she had just helped delivered at another home was 12 pounds. I;m glad she told me before we saw the size of Beau's head so that I could compare the task smaller to something! It was a wonderful birth, I loved every minute of it and I'll do it again.

10. I have an excellent memory. If I can see it or put a rhythm to it I can remember it. I have been useful in life as a walking telephone book/ diary/ jukebox.

11. I'm not a City Person. I am a Country Person living in the Suburbs, looking for the farm.

12. I love and feel deeply inspired by the Zen saying " Burn up like a good bonfire, everything you say or do, leave no trace'. It always takes my mind on an amazing journey and then to somewhere very still .

13. Despite how it often seems I am not that comfortable talking about myself . It seems to contradict the above wisdom, however I really love to hear about other people's lives and I do like to tell a story

14. So then I know that the burning up is about not carrying baggage from one moment to another and about coming to everything completely fresh; memories; daily chores; our loved ones; ourselves; everything.

Even the morning after only 5 hours sleep.

Greener Pastures

Well. What a great week. We sold our house before auction at the right price with a good settlement. Huge relief. And a new government. With Bob Brown at last winning a seat in Senate, by primary vote thanks very much! HUGE relief. I personally feel that only good things can come of that!
We have sorted out the hows and wherefores of moving into our friend's house in January. The timing has been perfect and the move looks to be easy given that we can just store our minimal possessions and move into a gorgeous furnished house. I've never been very good at holding onto things. I get very excited about culling everything down to the basics when there's a move afoot. Probably because I/we have moved so many times in the last 20 years individually and as a couple/family. I had everything I needed at one point just after mum died. I got rid of it all to go off on a feral romp around the country free of material encumbrances and it seems I've been unable to hold fast to such things since. Which is quite amusing given that I have a HUGE fetish for Inside Out magazine and daydream about our own oasis in the country where we live happily ever after. It is time to put down roots. There'll always be the need to get up and go somewhere but I strongly feel the need for home and community and familiarity. And a sense of creativity being expressed through living in and knowing a place intimately. I've accepted that we have realistically given up our chance of owning a house in the city. Which is OK. Happy to rent and even happier to start a life in the country.
K and I really REALLY need to reconnect and save our relationship which has hung together on a thin thread for a year and a half. For the first time ever I've found myself imagining life as a single parent which is how I've mostly felt (trite as that may sound to a single parent). It's easier to imagine no relationship over a dysfunctional one. Our differences are more pronounced than ever and we've become so habituated to managing without each other that I wonder sometimes if it wasn't for the beautiful Beau would we still be together but then it's partly due to the changes brought by parenthood that our relationship has changed so dramatically. Was a time when I would just get up and leave a place or a relationship or a job or whatever, if the joy had gone out of it. I'm pretty good at moving on and starting again. But that gets to be very exhausting, and repetitive. Same shit, different scenario. And motherhood has shown me those parts of self that keep me more connected, like true patience and compassion and determination and forbearance and deep unconditional love . It would be pointless if those things didn't filter out into the rest of life. The wee ones are teaching us how to love and to Stick It Out.
So many photo worthy moments of late. If we could only download the contents of our minds something like Dumbledore's Pensieve. I look forward to buying a camera and putting images with words. I could talk and write all day but jeeze how boring for us all. I love seeing all your pictures - how you all look at the world and what you make and where you live. Soon I will have lots more to share and if all goes accordingly more time for craft and baking and adventures.

A Picture

Yeah I know it's not very lady like but it shows two facts about me; 1) I absolutely love to feed my face and 2) I have a tendency towards the ridiculous whenever someone points a camera at me so in terms of self portraits it's really quite revealing. There's a hint of a fear of narcissism as I post these - and then I reflect upon the comfort of knowing something of other bloggers' lives and identities and how being a bit more transparent in life can be a beautiful thing.

The day of our wedding above. Dec 2003. One of my favourite wedding shots next to the one of K and I pulling 'sharkies' which I don't seem to have on my hard drive but will post it because it's very fetching.

So given that I have no new pictures to post, here are some 'old' ones. As I said I personally can't digest endless paragraphs of text (unless I'm reading a novel) without the relief of pictures to break it up, so these are for you if you a similar........

Mental note ; must ask K to show me how to get photos off my phone.

I must go to work. This is the time of day when the last thing I want to do is to go to work. What I want to do at 3.30pm is to have a cup of tea, eat some cake, enjoy Beau's scruffy , woozy emerging from dream land, and await K's arrival home and avoid venturing outside into the cold wind. (Love the cold, can't do wind). Just as well my job is not at all like a job but more like doing some chores with good friends.

Here, there and everywhere .

A week on from my little holiday and I am starting to get the Oh Dear I Do Miss the Land of My Birth Blues. I do believe that the flying of me over there and the degree of lovin' I received from friends and family was a meditated plan to have me return to Melbourne with the planted seed of desire to up-root my boys from our home of 5 years and gypsy it back to WA with her Indian ocean smells and big clear blue sky and lolling coastal train ride to increasingly gentrified but still so pretty and dear to my heart Fremantle. Oh west coast temptress with your quiet, unpretentious facade harboring creative potential and the promise of your fertile southern shores. I was determined not to come back romanticising you in any way. I had Eckhart Tolle on the MP3 player both legs of the plane journey - you'd think that his utterly inspiring advice on being always present right here right now would have permeated somehow. But alas my mind being what it is, despite odd moments of clarity and awareness, dips and dives between here and now and there and then and before and later!!
This is not to say that the joy of returning home was in any way depleted. Such bliss in my heart to see my boys crouched at the gate - Beau's delayed but beaming recognition of my return which carried on over the next few days through sweet happy exclamations of "Mummy home from aeroplane" (inferring that he thinks I've been up in the air all this time?) We have swung back into the routine that keeps our shared life sane and steady - that isn't always easy to bare when it costs our relationship time and energy but is still worth sticking up for when the mind goes a romancin' with the idea that 'everything will be better when...'. K and I are trying to practise presence in our lives so that the challenges of busy city lives as parents and partners and home owners do not undo us and we are grateful for the good people we have around us here. We talked last night about how we are feeling - about moving states, about having another child and the amazing one we've already been so fortunate to bring along. We have hit a stasis of sorts where my wish for a bigger family and to simplify and slow down are in the sort of contrast to K's wish for meaningful employment, travel, study and spiritual pilgrimage, that means we need to sit with it all and find out if we can do it all, and if only some of it - what will be let go of. K's wise last words of the evening were "let's not try to DO anything unless we are doing it from a relaxed, present. aware space". That's dead sexy talk that is! Lovely man. Excellent co pilot on this sometimes turbulent journey through time and space. Now I must sleep before I go analogy mad.