Green Day at a local farm.




My elephant.



Beau's Island

There's a definite rhythm to life out here now for which I am very grateful and which seems to satisfy the three of us. It's always obvious how much happier Beau is when he can count on a big portion of daily/weekly activities being familiar. When he knows what's coming he gets such a sense of confidence and cooperation and calm. That's not to say that spontaneity doesn't work. K and I wouldn't be ourselves if that disappeared from our life but as a family we all feel the peace and flow that comes from rhythm and dare I say it some good ol' fashion routine. All the more important for us because we have moved around so much and so there are some daily 'rituals 'that we would go collectively insane without. The dinner to bedtime routine for Beau for example never changes except for the location, our mornings and the way we interact with nature and the neighbours now we are here.

Beau's (almost four year old)increasing ability to stay with an activity for an extended period of time is a pleasure for us all. Whether it be wood carving or chopping veges or painting or clay modeling etc, finally we are all getting our teeth stuck into things parents must let go of in the presence of young toddlers with short attention spans . It gives me some insight into the potential for homeschooling which feels to be the right thing for our family. We have started researching and it seems there is a good network in our area. This has been the main issue for us, that Beau would have access to other home schooled kids and shared activities and that we would have support as home schooling parents. I'm so inspired by Amanda,
Ella,
Linda
Blue Yonder and many others whom I have come across in the blogosphere who have chosen to school at home.
We are excited at the idea that home life, play, spiritual practice and education can be integrated, especially now that we are living in the country (Oh how I love to say that; We Live In The Country).

At long last w can say that we are closer to the lifestyle that we have often dreamed of. That in fact I have dreamed of for as long as I can remember. (on parallel with international Jazz Diva which is not of course out of the question either, but is really more about the frocks) Our home life is simplified and slowed down, our working lives are in line with our creative passions, we spend a great deal of time together as a family, we have a stronger sense of community, we are giving our relationship some much needed attention, and we are researching the other ways in which we can create a more simple, sustainable, self-sufficient and communal life style.

The next step for us is to find land, incurring the smallest possible (if not non-existent) mortgage; ideally with two or three other families. We are researching alternative building techniques(in particular Cob) and drinking up any literature about self-sufficiency and simple living; one reason why I'm so glad I found Linda's Blog and book, and so happy for runs and re runs during my child hood of Felicity Kendal and The Good Life.

To some of our friends and family we probably seem very idealistic. It may be so, but we have spent so many years trying to 'fit in', to consume and conform and control, on our own, on others' terms and felt so little satisfaction and much confusion that this year has been about following our hearts and stripping back enough to see what we really need and what we can live without. We find ourselves now in a tiny studio, on a tiny income, with minimal possessions and a lot of time. This has been made possible with years of dreaming and periods of hard slog, a small ($11,000) financial loan from family, a short spell as mortgagees, the reduction of our relationship to a series of practical instructions at the end of a day, a timely and profitable house sale, a bloody enormous amount of letting go, the paying off of all debts, a small but nevertheless very helpful nest egg that is ours, the generosity of beloved friends and the determination to prove to ourselves and each other that we can really truly live as we choose.

The suffering of our relationship over the past 5 years has been in part due to external pressures but mostly due to our respective experience of them. We have coexisted as housemates and managed the day to day living with some ease. We have been parenting with a shared passion for the well being of our child. We have experienced the 'Ships in the Night' passing that can completely wipe out the possibility for intimacy. We have felt that our visions for the future have been completely at odds with each other. We have come face to face with our own feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction to the point where the idea of not being together was mentioned far too many times. Then we pulled the pin on what seemed to be the only real shared plan of action, consequently threw ourselves into complete chaos and confusion, got Very Stressed and Very Pissed Off until we landed here with enough time and space to get back to being nice to each other and patient and, lo and behold, to finding that what we envisage from here on is increasingly the same.

We have a way to go but thanks to the 'C' word ('counseling' just before you get too carried away) which, neither of us had ever had up until three weeks ago, and about which both of us have been dubious ("Oh look, we can sort it out can't we anyway it's YOUR fault...")but for which we are now very thankful because eventually slogging it out on your own can get rather boring, exhausting and just generally no where.

I will spare you any further details about our personal life. I think I've managed to Share the important bits without dragging you into domestic drama. I'm sure you all have/had your own share. Good bloody on you if not!

Suffice to say we have managed not to scar Beau emotionally along the way, though maybe counseling somewhere down the line in his own adult life may reveal otherwise. Let us hope that we may be evolving and parenting in such a way that our kids might be spared the need.

My 45 minutes appear to be up. Thanks for listening.

market day and softened by the sea

Collingwood Children's Farm market on Saturday. Wonderful place, animals to pat and feed and milk, good produce to taste and buy, lots of happy folk......it's hard to believe one is in the city. Beau took the goat photo. I would love a goat. A goat loves a goat.



Had a very relaxed, slow Mama's Day. Had a great urge to be by the sea in the afternoon so we rugged up and went forth. How glorious. The treasures I found! I love to collect shells and glass all softened by the sea as we too felt. It's what I miss about the west. That Indian Ocean that I saw every single day for the first half of my life. The smell , the light, the waves, the sky. The eyes can rest on endless blue. We are planning to head back to the West in a couple of months. A long slow decision involving the extraction of ourselves from a pretty special community of people. The pull is so strong we have to follow it. So K will go to India for a few weeks and then we will start preparing to leave. It feels good. Big. Sad. Long awaited. Well timed. Good.

Spending as much time as we can in nature. (beverages optional)(Beau spending as much time in fairy attire as he can)

Up a tree....

on a rock....
slowing down and looking forward to country life.


Scarves finished. Now to make a blanket for a friend's baby due in August.
Bamboozled after a couple of busy days, eating on the run, driving around, busy busy. Love these slow days at home. Still dancing in pyjamas at 10am after a long, slow breakfast, lots of books, staring out the window, a long cuddle and a chat about whether or not fairies have sharp teeth....

Love like a mother play like a child.

This morning K, Beau and I went to see Amma.
I don't really have adequate words to convey the experience except to say that I lost myself in the best possible way and felt the ocean of love that Amma radiates, and felt connected to everyone there and spent the morning in tears of bliss which came on each time I looked into another person's eyes. It was very difficult to leave but I reminded myself that we are never separate from the state of the teacher/enlightenment and so have managed to bring at least some of Amma home with me in my heart. I always come away from the presence of such teachers with enormous wonderment and gratitude that they have endless energy for everyone without exception. They just give and give endless love, and not always in ways that we recognise. It inspires me to give more and desire less, even though I slip back into the old habits and think there is a self to protect and satisfy.

I've been really watching Beau's play/child's play this week, more so than usual, maybe because I
am thinking so much about babies.....Children play in pure spontaneity, alone, with each other, with us if we are open to it. Beau is right into being a puppy or a cat lately and has to embody it as much as he can; drink from a bowl off the floor, have 'fur' tied around him, scratch around in the dirt, lay near the fire, come over for a pat and a scratch.



The other day we were at the park and he and 4 other little boys made a hotel out of a huge fallen branch; spent what seemed like hours, reconstructing it and moving in and out of it. I and the other two mothers sat back and talked and watched and helped when we were needed.


Parenthood is such an opportunity to relearn how to be present and free and to love without holding back. I'm counting on, that with all of these amazing teachers around(three year old ones included), there may be hope for me yet! For all of us!

Down From The Mountain and One Whole Year

One year of blogging for this gal! It's quite an achievement isn't it. Sometime, around 1999, I lit a fire out back of a house I was sitting in Sunrise near Byron Bay, and slowly and ceremoniously burned every one of the diaries I had kept since 14 years of age. There were 30 of them so it was an all night affair during which I'd catch a glimpse of an entry now and then and read and cry or laugh and bid the event farewell. It was a very cathartic thing to do at the time, especially as I was transient and was literally hauling my past around with me in a small van. I have no regrets but now and then I think it would be fun to read them and have them to show my kids. I suppose this blog will satisfy that to a degree. Keeping a diary has been my sanity. Blogging too though in a different way. A diary is a no-holds-barred, repository of deepest emotion and truth. I never once thought anyone would read them. Never intended it in the moment. Whereas here we are writing and revealing as much for others as ourselves. Much more inclusive. Much more fun. Less therapy!

We have just come Down From The Mountain, from a glorious Easter weekend of 'roughing it' in our super duper new tent and self-inflatable mattresses (slept like well fed babies). Not nearly as many people as the line of cars heading in the same direction threatened. We were to meet friends there but missed each other to the effect that we camped 2 km from each other and had to drive over to visit each other. The family camped opposite us were so gorgeous, our children frolicked together and we played music and talked around the fire at night. And all the other stuff that keeps the soul right and wholesome and connected to all that is important.

The Hilton


The joyousness of being grubby for daysobjects of nature to stare at for long periods of time

The benchmark for future Back Door Step
The locals
The View from the Loo
The physical challenge of a wash in the icy river.

Camping karma yoga
The stuff that calls us there to begin with. Fire and stars and songs.
I love the village atmosphere of camping and the laying down of barriers and borders (as Martino called it 'the United Nations') and usual neighbourly 'politeness' and the freedom to roam and the willingness to share a warm toilet seat and the opportunity to stop everything (except knitting and snacking).

It always feels very strange to be in doors after a camping trip. Nice to be home but the pull to live in the country is much stronger!

Lazy Labour day

This week Beau learned about the anatomy of a trout HIS way. These days it's me AND him up at the bench preparing dinner which is pure joy for us both. He is a whiz with the grater and can beat egg whites almost faster than I can. He has in the last month stopped talking about himself in third person. I remember a woman saying she was taking her 3 or 4 year old to speech therapy because was speaking about himself in third person and wondering for a millisecond if Beau would at some point need speech therapy (this was a year ago). As we suspected he just 'grew out of it' and frankly it was so cute we almost miss it. Ironic that we wait for our child to finally identify with 'I' at the same time we are attempting to let go of that very conditioning. And then ironic that we need that conditioning to understand that we are better off without it....(brain freeze)....

Beau and I have started doing more drawing and crafting which is wonderful. He's been so into his trains that all else has paled in significance. It has been lovely to watch him quietly master the use of scissors and hold up a shape and declare it a something. So much is changing in him. He is more social, more imaginative in his play, more conversational, more curious...what a joy to behold it all. This is the best job I've ever had.

Today we drove in air conditioned comfort far from this hot little house up into the mountains with M and his daughter B. We met Drew under a tree by the Yarra and there we stayed for 5 hours moving only to dip in the cool water or to run up to the shops for lunch supplies. It's what I most yearn for. To slow life down and spend most of our time surrounded by trees and birds and water and clean air. Such good friends these folk. Much laughter and silliness and even a game of hacky sack (the only 'sport' I've ever been vaguely adept at...) for the adults for which these days we have to warm up in order to avoid serious injury. K and I met in the midst of a hacky sack game. But that's another story.

River Chill

Spent the Sunday doing this....



on this......



with our good brother Drew who is stopping in on his travels and bringing with him calm and humour. We floated on the river and talked about living life without feeling the pressure to 'do', to achieve, to work work work, and we talked about how challenging it can be given that a good deal of the population believe that these are the qualities by which one's worth is measured. Sadly it seems that a person isn't praised equally for taking time out to know their mind.

Drew and I went to the cinema yesterday to see 'Bella', Mexican movie, and we howled the way through so moved we were. This is the first time in 3 years I have been to the cinema and what a lovely way to return. The effect the film had on me was to desire to rush home and be with Beau and cuddle him and to as soon as possible, expand our little family. The sight of a noisy passionate, musical Mexican family brings out the matriarchal mama in me.

back

We are back a week now still tanned still caught in the bliss of long beach days and balmy nights, Fremantle Doctor and South West landscape beauty. Can you believe in the west they still use SPRINKLERS! And hand wash their cars as if 'drought ' were the subject of a fairy tale. The mining industry is booming and house prices are outrageous and everyone is beautiful and tanned and hardly any one seems to know about gluten free and the only people found knitting on the beach are those from Melbourne....and the roads are quiet and the city is a country town and the train line follows the glorious coast line and the river is enormous and the sky is big and blue and the air smells like the sea. Blessed by dear friends and sea breezes and Dad's oasis down south and daily swims we survived the heat. Whilst there the idea of staying was tantalising. Now 'home' we feel the bonds to our people here and they are strong ties and we are no clearer as to making The Big Move or not. It helps to be happy wherever one is and to also feel free to do what one wants to do when the time is right so we will enjoy our little Melbourne cottage and our dear community of fellow Time Travellers and wait for the signs to spin the Tardis off into the void again.

I have been feeling inert since arriving home a day late (missed our flight because I apparently cannot register 24 hour time) via the midnight horror flight. I think it's because we had only just moved here and then flew off to the west, had a brilliant relaxed family holiday and now must negotiate the busy avenues of Responsibility and Routine which, once I recover my inner map- making skills, I'm sure will again be the bedrock of this Melbourne Life.

For anyone planning to fly Tiger Airways across this land I say with affection that the landings were superb and the service was comical; on return the same guy who took our luggage at check in was still cleaning the plane when we queued bleary eyed at the gate miles along the tarmac. He ran about with rubbish bags and ropes flustered but smiling and then, we imagined, slipped into the cockpit to fly us home. Had he been the one to come around with the tea trolley an hour later, we would not have been at all surprised. It will have us chuckling for a long time.

Beau had a wonderful time reacquainting himself with the Family Elders down south who bought him icecream and rolled about on the floor endlessly with him, dancing naked with us tipsy adults (clothed) on a hot Freo evening, learning to summersault, submerging his hands in Toby and Ryonens' fish tank, driving proudly about in 'Felicicy's car',being buried in cool sand at the beach, being loved and flung about by the gorgeous Jim and Anna, feeding lamas and watching and listening to Dimity and co. sing opera under the stars in Balingup, hearing the story of our aeroplane journey over and over before bed, and discovering finally that Kookaburras 'are laughing because one of them always farts', hence overcoming his mortal fear of said bird. He was pleased to come home to our new old house (god we have completely confused the child), to his train set and to Flash our faithful hound, and to his friends and to swims at the pool and to a good night's sleep. Out of nappies and almost off the boobie.

Whilst away the sensational Amber taught me to knit (between glasses of Sav Blanc and witty and philosophical conversation). At last I understand the fuss, the addiction, the blissful hours on the couch, the hunt for the perfect ball of wool and the benefit of wooden needles. I am planning a luxury solo mission to the Yarn Barn at earliest opportunity and anywhere else you can recommend to find such goodly gear. I haven't made any thing in particular but have been happily knitting and pearling and seeding and casting on and 'frogging' (!) and casting on again and experimenting and seeing how neat I can be. Honeymoon stage.

I too feel enormously hopeful and emotional after reading the PM's compassionate Sorry speech (I didn't hear it as we were in transit at the time) and any cynicism that may be lurking within has moved aside to make room for the possibility of healing and change. May it be so.

Felt friends needed!

I say can anyone help me? I'm wanting to make stuffed felt animals for a little nativity set for Beau, a camel, a donkey, a sheep, and anything else that might be applicable. Do any of you have patterns you'd like to share? I'm going to try to make a template tonight but I'd love a head start! Last year I made felt stars and birds for the tree which are simple and cute and I can post the patterns for those should anyone wish!

Check out this great site for making snowflakes. I know they're not exactly Australiana Christmas but they are wonderful nonetheless and don't we all deep down dream of a White Christmas?

My 40th was really fun, not a grand event but spent with good friends, good food and later in the evening good music. We had a sumptuous breakfast at home and in the evening a few of us went dancing. It has been a very long time since any of us went dancing. It was FUN! Everything still works and I awoke the next morning with the lightness of heart and relaxed body that I remember from my dancing days of youth. Even my seemingly unfixable rib has come good from a good dose of hip shaking and arm flinging (well it's not as much fun if you don't dance like a fool!).

Yesterday I gave notice at work. I stood by the phone for some time unsure of my decision because truly it's a fantastic job with fantastic people and I will miss seeing them three times a week. However I feel like I've done such a good thing for myself. this change that is upon us is way over due and with me not working we free up time and space to have more family time and more sleep and the possibility of K finding a new job. He has hung in there for a year at least now much to his credit, and now it's time to move on to something stimulating, better paid and closer to home. He's an amazing man K, who has wisdom and skills that even on a small scale are helping and inspiring people. He finds it hard to know exactly where or how to focus them and I hope he finds what is closest to his heart. I look forward to putting more time into Beau and our shared creativity, and to choir - I want to arrange songs and maybe even write one. And of course there is the second baby who is fluttering in the ethers around my ears whispering 'Mummy mummy, come ON' .

Way Way Way Past Bedtime

Just trying to cram yet another thing in before resting this weary body. K came home with library books about home schooling today. So parallel with my own feelings about education and family life and so inspiring in general they are that I read almost two of them by the fire this evening. They have successfully dispelled any concerns for me regarding time and energy restraints by pointing out that homeschooling , especially on an informal level takes much less time up of a day because of the intensive nature of one on one education; because 'lessons' are integrated into daily life and the daily routine and because the child can learn at his/her own pace, in blocks if they wish...AND as a parent one gets to learn things alongside one's children therefore eliminating another of my queries as to how much stuff do K and I have to know before we embark on this journey?? I feel excited and inspired as if (and as I suppose I actually have) finally discovered my true vocation. I feel passionate and energised and admittedly a little daunted by what may potentially be a barrage of questions and confrontation from a large sector of the community and possible even close friends (for I have detected a hint already during brief conversations with people on the subject). As with all areas of parenting it can be so confronting (in my own experience) when someone chooses to do something very differently from ourselves and from the mainstream because we are forced to question our own decisions and motivations. Which surely is a good thing. Lately I just feel more than ever that almost everything we do in the world we do with little to no questioning. Social, economic and political habits and requirements and expectations become the norm and because we see most people around us doing the same things we carry on trying to keep up. I do not suppose to have the all the answers or a better way of living, I think what has happened for K and I is that three aspects of our life have steered us further toward alternative ways of living - financial difficulty (which was partly the impetus for us giving up the car, and for exploring alternative ways of surviving and socialising); Beau's now thankfully infrequent biting which had us look more deeply into our parenting and our unconscious attitudes around control and freedom and staying true our most heart felt intentions; and underlying all of it our ongoing inner inquiry and observation and attempts to integrate (until someone discovers that the only obstacle to enlightenment is a mineral deficiency...) God/Buddha/ All That Is/ The State of Pure Presence or whatever you may choose to call It, with the activities of daily life. (hmm no wonder we are tired.) And we suspect that maybe just maybe there are other ways to do this Human Being in The World thing that are more simple, more relaxed, more embracing of others' needs, more sustainable and more fun and require a lot less funds.
If you have the answers don't hesitate to illustrate them in clear point form and don't skimp on pictures - we must have proof!
PS Happy Spring everyone Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently our computer doesn't realise we've moved on from winter. It's SO An Hour and a Half Ago!

From four wheels to two wheels

Well, a long time between posts. So much going on and I've been so tired. I run a choir, a role which I've been loving so much and spending more time when Beau sleeps, preparing songs.....Still not so much time for crafting but I will get there. We've been so tired of a night K and I that we flop in front of the TV (which we hardly ever watch) and plough through episodes of The Sopranos. I must say I'm enjoying where it's taking us.
We are about to get rid of our car - the Electric Camel as it has affectionately become known is soon due for rego renewal and given that it needs huge amounts of repair work we cannot bring ourselves to spend another cent on it and we have decided to become a bike family! It feels like a big step. We want to have another baby and I shudder a little at the thought of not having a car at that point in time but our plan is to eventually have a hybrid - a car that has the capacity to run on bio diesel. But for now we are preparing ourselves for the two wheeled transport - a world of baby seats, trailers, trolleys, wet weather gear and newly acquired street smarts. I would love to hear from anyone who has made this plunge as a family. I know one family near by who have a car but choose to ride over driving. My friend M has toddler on baby seat, 6 year old on tag along, and 8 year old riding alongside her. So inspiring . We will lat the very least be fit and save money. We were put onto a fantastic trolley! If anyone is interested check out My Smart Trolley.
Our goal is to be less and less of a weight on the environment and to create as sustainable and self sufficient lifestyle as possible. The ultimate goal would be to move to the country and I feel this will happen but for now whilst we need the proximity to the city, we will do our best here.
Nowdays I get excited about water tanks and types of native vegetation and chook varieties and the shape and colour of home grown egg plants, and swinging a matic or a shovel.....We have some friends near by who have created an oasis in their suburban home. Something so beautiful and practical and sustainable that one can't help but be influenced.
On Monday I visited a friend near the city who has a 4 year old and a baby, and she had another friend visiting that morning who has three boys. There I was in the company of mothers of children who were biters and who have lived to tell the tale and who made me feel so relaxed and understood it was quite a unique experience. It reinforced for me that parenting is subjective- EVERYTHING is subjective. And that everything is impermanent.
I look at Beau and I can't believe my fortune. He is such a lovely little boy and I get to be with him step by step as he learns how to be in the world and teaches me how to be more relaxed in the world.
Anzac Day for us was a blissful day at the beach with buckets and sandwiches and banana cake and Beau was in heaven in the water cold though it was. My youth was spent on the beach. Our family life centered around it and it was good and healthy and relaxed and simple. I do miss it. It's the air and the lack of constant stimulation for the eyes. All sky and water, soft and peaceful.