An Ode to Number One Son

Two more sleeps until K is home. Not that I'm counting or anything....It's been a huge learning curve, 4 weeks one on one parenting, no child care, no grandparent intervention, no hour here and there to wander a street and sit in a cafe or shop without a toy lane tantrum, double the amount of cuddles, a new wordless communication (I've got the 'Don't you dare' stare down to a fine art), and a deep and humbling respect for single parents everywhere, especially those without ex partners sharing care, or families close by to step in....

When K is home and all is back to 'normal' I might miss the daily rhythm that was just Beau's and mine. I will not miss 12 hours a day making sure boy and dog don't hurt each other. 4 weeks has gone quickly. Too long for family to be apart when the luxury of choice is afforded. Looking forward to having my man by my side and preparing for the Big Move West, and to seeing Beau's face when Dad comes into view.

Thanks fabulous little person for putting up with me and teaching me about surrender and the ongoing navigation of the mysterious labyrinth of love.

a damn good cry

Have been visiting the very Dear Lovelies in the bush this weekend, the rains came down, there was much puddle diving and admiring of view and heavy skies, and talking and eating good food as well as exhaustion and a fired up little guy and a bad cough and a head full of thoughts... clouds of vulnerability have been gathering over my head lately and the storm broke loose when I went to retire to our 'bootiful little cottage" to find my little guy screaming for me at the door with a puddle of wee at his feet "I didn't know where you were mama". I don't know how long he had been standing there like that because it had been a while since I'd come from the other side of the house to peek a look at him. I felt so terrible and even though he is remains unscathed, it was just enough distress to bring up a well of emotion in me, ranging from guilt to my own childhood fears to missing K, to the need the next morning to flee straight back to the warmth of the cave wherein I can gather the bearings of my psyche and have a damn good cry. A damn good cry here and there is the best tension release i can imagine.

Luckily we were in the company of seasoned criers with enormous hearts. I'm glad I followed the urge to come home. Beau and I made muffins (another part of my own personal therapy) and went for a really nice walk with Flash the Dog, picking flowers, laughing, running, observing the minimal activity of an overcast Sunday in the Suburbs, and with Beau cooing every 5 minutes "I LOVE Flash".

A Mother's Work

One of my favourite artists is Del Kathryn Barton from Sydney. Her work blows me away for so many reasons, for which, if you Google her and have a look at her work, you will understand. She just won the 2008 Archibald Prize and I love it that her self portrait "You are What is Most Beautiful About Me".....


is an acknowledgment of motherhood, her children and their importance to her life and her art. Some of her work is quite erotic and reminds me a little of Egon Schiele's paintings and drawings, another of my favourites. I'm really drawn to lines that are organic and 'imperfect' that appear to have not been corrected or premeditated. At art school we had a drawing tutor who had us do contour drawings for a year which were a revelation to me. Contour drawing if you haven't seen or tried, is just a technique where you look at the subject and not at your surface and draw what you see with one continuous line, so that the end result is bizarre and disproportioned yet often has uncanny likeness. It forces you to draw what you see rather than what you think you are seeing. I always struggled to get away from drawings that were too tight, to try to go back to the effortless, expressive images that children make. After doing hundreds of contour drawings without looking, I found I could render something very quickly whilst looking at the page now and then but without editing or thinking the drawing. I used to take my visual diary to cafes; hide it under the table and draw as many people as I could in the time I sat there. It was such a good time, passion and discovery. I didn't even do anything further with them it just felt good in the doing.

I'm not very good at giving myself time do things that are important to me, other than the love and commitment I put into motherhood which is almost enough on its own though I'm aware that when we feed ourselves creatively it feeds everyone around us too. I forget and I make motherhood a distraction from a huge part of my creative self, as my own mother did . I can so easily tell myself that it doesn't matter, that there will be time one day, whilst the voice inside me yells FORGET THE F*****G DISHES!!!

So thanks Del Kathryn Barton for reminding me and you too Esti and Fi and Bridge and all you other amazing artist mamas and papas out there. I'm going to get off the computer and draw something....

Je suis un (F)rock Star

This is our boy's interpretation of an eighties rock star......It's the fluffy 'glass' slippers that really do it for me. We've never encouraged Beau to wear dresses or not. We believe he should feel free to dress as he pleases and to have the least amount of conditioning possible so that hopefully he will grow up with a strong sense of self based on his own decisions. It's been really fun seeing how he loves to dress up and how his energy changes depending on what he's wearing/being. He started asking me for my dresses when he was about two, and one day in an op shop he asked if he could buy a particular skirt which he still wears. Some of his female friends have given or loaned him dresses on his request. It so happens that we are staying in the house of a woman and her daughter, and they have so generously left us toys and dress ups (as well as everything else in the house the angels), so that Beau has access to fairy frocks rather than Spiderman costumes at this point in time. I'm always on the look out for dress up material of any kind so that our kids will have a variety of identities to explore. Some of our parent acquaintances actually have difficulty with boys wearing dresses, telling their kids that boys don't wear pink and boys don't wear dresses. Once a male friend was really taken aback and I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying a whole bunch of things. My first response was to ask what he thought would 'happen' to Beau if he wore dresses. And if the answer to that had been anything to do with encouraging or creating homosexual behaviour or confused identity, I was ready with 'I don't know what's worse, that you believe by wearing a dress a child will come confused about his sexuality, or that you believe there is something wrong with homosexuality'. I didn't enter into it on the assumption that he like all of us are a product of our own parental conditioning and some takes longer to shake off, some of it stays for the duration. Still, sometimes I think I live in a bubble and I still get a surprise when it's burst!?

I suppose the purpose of all this talk is to generate awareness in myself and others as to what we say and do to, and expect of our kids, and how much of that is unconscious. Every day it seems that parenthood challenges me to examine my opinions and my idea of reality and meaning and I'm so grateful because it helps me to be easier on myself. I long for the freedom that comes from awareness and real presence and I want that for Beau.

So there's my Frock on Friday post with Manifesto! Have a splendid weekend dear ether friends!

The Domestic Goddess is Out or It Don't Mean a Thing if it Aint Got That Zing

Ah me I'm bamboozled by this day just gone, in a fog of not-enough-sleep, no homework done, a 24 hour battle with a three and a half year old will (and consequently my own parenting), combined also with what may well be PMT OR pregnancy, these days it's never quite clear (wishful thinking for the most part). This is the to be expected polar opposite day to the post below. Also grappling with the fact that I've given my sincere blessing to K to fly off to India for 4 weeks and that simultaneously I feel all manner of emotions arising at the prospect of him being away for that long, ranging from deep love and understanding, to fear of life changing radically beyond my control as a result of his pilgrimage, to confusion as to how he can so easily do this when I find it so challenging to give myself an hour here and there to catch my breath or have a nap or just be with myself.
I lay in bed for hours last night watching awful thoughts arise and fall, like some morbid soap opera dealing in only fear and loathing. Thoughts that have absolutely no basis in reality but are simply the spawn of an ego desperately trying to assert itself amidst change. After all, we are also planning to leave in a few months and whilst my heart sings at the thought of returning to the Indian Ocean and all that lies close to it, many sly mental tricks are playing themselves out.
A dear friend and I were having lunch together on Saturday (yes I do let myself out now and then), and I found myself referring to my mental habits as the committee of the displeased, who are basically a bunch of all the voices who have ever made me feel guilty about following my heart. We had a good laugh which was extremely therapeutic as I aspire to not taking myself too seriously, especially when I'm hormonally challenged.
Anyway we noted that I am pitting myself against an intolerant and fearful panel and that allies are what are most needed. So I won't be sharing our plans with people who aren't prepared to be open and enthusiastic about the following of a heart. And I won't be the voice of woe to K, as he prepares himself to follow his.
If I look deep into my heart then what I am doing is exactly what it wishes. All the battles and fear and loathing are just part of the challenge of staying on the path. I really need to trust more in my body's wisdom and in the quality and location of the feelings that arise when something needs to be decided. If there's a zing in the chest area it's good thing.

Love like a mother play like a child.

This morning K, Beau and I went to see Amma.
I don't really have adequate words to convey the experience except to say that I lost myself in the best possible way and felt the ocean of love that Amma radiates, and felt connected to everyone there and spent the morning in tears of bliss which came on each time I looked into another person's eyes. It was very difficult to leave but I reminded myself that we are never separate from the state of the teacher/enlightenment and so have managed to bring at least some of Amma home with me in my heart. I always come away from the presence of such teachers with enormous wonderment and gratitude that they have endless energy for everyone without exception. They just give and give endless love, and not always in ways that we recognise. It inspires me to give more and desire less, even though I slip back into the old habits and think there is a self to protect and satisfy.

I've been really watching Beau's play/child's play this week, more so than usual, maybe because I
am thinking so much about babies.....Children play in pure spontaneity, alone, with each other, with us if we are open to it. Beau is right into being a puppy or a cat lately and has to embody it as much as he can; drink from a bowl off the floor, have 'fur' tied around him, scratch around in the dirt, lay near the fire, come over for a pat and a scratch.



The other day we were at the park and he and 4 other little boys made a hotel out of a huge fallen branch; spent what seemed like hours, reconstructing it and moving in and out of it. I and the other two mothers sat back and talked and watched and helped when we were needed.


Parenthood is such an opportunity to relearn how to be present and free and to love without holding back. I'm counting on, that with all of these amazing teachers around(three year old ones included), there may be hope for me yet! For all of us!

River Chill

Spent the Sunday doing this....



on this......



with our good brother Drew who is stopping in on his travels and bringing with him calm and humour. We floated on the river and talked about living life without feeling the pressure to 'do', to achieve, to work work work, and we talked about how challenging it can be given that a good deal of the population believe that these are the qualities by which one's worth is measured. Sadly it seems that a person isn't praised equally for taking time out to know their mind.

Drew and I went to the cinema yesterday to see 'Bella', Mexican movie, and we howled the way through so moved we were. This is the first time in 3 years I have been to the cinema and what a lovely way to return. The effect the film had on me was to desire to rush home and be with Beau and cuddle him and to as soon as possible, expand our little family. The sight of a noisy passionate, musical Mexican family brings out the matriarchal mama in me.

Bicycle Love and

It's been 7 months since we gave up our car for bikes and public transport and it has it's joys and annoyances, but mostly I love it - the immediacy of just getting on the bike and feeling free and unencumbered and Beau loves riding on the back singing and pointing out all the sights. I've started noticing the bikes people ride and appreciating things like the Sartorialist's bicycle category - I never really thought much about bikes and fashion, but now that I've been riding for a while I've had visions of myself upon a pink Swedish Kronan
bike (above). A friend has a similar step through retro bike waiting for me to look at -apparently it is black with flowers all over it, pink mud guards and white handle grips. Now there's an excuse to parade new summer frocks. Strictly for mama though.

We went to the city today to see the Myer Christmas Windows along with every other parent and child in Melbourne it would seem, then later to the park to let the kids work off some stimulation. There was a bit of an incident with Beau and some other kids next to a swing - resulted in Beau attempting a face grab and a bite which I managed to intercept. The mother of the little girl who's face Beau attempted to grab sent me some very very dark looks from her bench and I found it very unnerving and wished that I had said something to her - felt like I needed to explain to her what the experience is like for me and Beau, which may have been very helpful. I notice how while I feel protective towards other children and try to prevent Beau from reacting in such a way, I also so feel very protective of him. As adults we sometimes forget that kids can't be expected to control themselves especially when they are tired and hungry and over stimulated and challenged by other kids. I have to remind myself too that it takes time to learn that skill and it's more a case of me needing to read the signs in Beau and change the environment rather than change his behaviour when things have already gone too far. I think today affected me because it's been so long since Beau has done anything like it. I 'm sure this time around it's a lot to do with him resisting nap time (which I always encourage) and then finding it hard to cope in the afternoon because he's actually really tired. Some days our wee ones are more robust than other days, just like their parents. Today I was robust enough not to walk away in tears. It's happened many times though. A mixture of so many emotions. That Beau has often been misunderstood by other parents, has particularly been hard. That I'm supposed to know exactly what to do all the time, and to satisfy other parents' varied expectations is also very hard. It brings up some of my own childhood sadness and so the challenge has been big and also very rewarding because I am learning to trust my myself, my intuition and my parenting, and to trust in impermanence.
There is nothing I would change about Beau. That kind of love feels cleansing, enormous; I can't even say I can be so unconditional with K, though it's my intention and being a mother definitely helps bring that possibility closer. K and I have found real unity as parents together, something we've experienced on many levels and not at all on others. I often wonder how I/we would be if Beau wasn't in our lives. Little monkey.

Felt friends needed!

I say can anyone help me? I'm wanting to make stuffed felt animals for a little nativity set for Beau, a camel, a donkey, a sheep, and anything else that might be applicable. Do any of you have patterns you'd like to share? I'm going to try to make a template tonight but I'd love a head start! Last year I made felt stars and birds for the tree which are simple and cute and I can post the patterns for those should anyone wish!

Check out this great site for making snowflakes. I know they're not exactly Australiana Christmas but they are wonderful nonetheless and don't we all deep down dream of a White Christmas?

My 40th was really fun, not a grand event but spent with good friends, good food and later in the evening good music. We had a sumptuous breakfast at home and in the evening a few of us went dancing. It has been a very long time since any of us went dancing. It was FUN! Everything still works and I awoke the next morning with the lightness of heart and relaxed body that I remember from my dancing days of youth. Even my seemingly unfixable rib has come good from a good dose of hip shaking and arm flinging (well it's not as much fun if you don't dance like a fool!).

Yesterday I gave notice at work. I stood by the phone for some time unsure of my decision because truly it's a fantastic job with fantastic people and I will miss seeing them three times a week. However I feel like I've done such a good thing for myself. this change that is upon us is way over due and with me not working we free up time and space to have more family time and more sleep and the possibility of K finding a new job. He has hung in there for a year at least now much to his credit, and now it's time to move on to something stimulating, better paid and closer to home. He's an amazing man K, who has wisdom and skills that even on a small scale are helping and inspiring people. He finds it hard to know exactly where or how to focus them and I hope he finds what is closest to his heart. I look forward to putting more time into Beau and our shared creativity, and to choir - I want to arrange songs and maybe even write one. And of course there is the second baby who is fluttering in the ethers around my ears whispering 'Mummy mummy, come ON' .

Way Way Way Past Bedtime

Just trying to cram yet another thing in before resting this weary body. K came home with library books about home schooling today. So parallel with my own feelings about education and family life and so inspiring in general they are that I read almost two of them by the fire this evening. They have successfully dispelled any concerns for me regarding time and energy restraints by pointing out that homeschooling , especially on an informal level takes much less time up of a day because of the intensive nature of one on one education; because 'lessons' are integrated into daily life and the daily routine and because the child can learn at his/her own pace, in blocks if they wish...AND as a parent one gets to learn things alongside one's children therefore eliminating another of my queries as to how much stuff do K and I have to know before we embark on this journey?? I feel excited and inspired as if (and as I suppose I actually have) finally discovered my true vocation. I feel passionate and energised and admittedly a little daunted by what may potentially be a barrage of questions and confrontation from a large sector of the community and possible even close friends (for I have detected a hint already during brief conversations with people on the subject). As with all areas of parenting it can be so confronting (in my own experience) when someone chooses to do something very differently from ourselves and from the mainstream because we are forced to question our own decisions and motivations. Which surely is a good thing. Lately I just feel more than ever that almost everything we do in the world we do with little to no questioning. Social, economic and political habits and requirements and expectations become the norm and because we see most people around us doing the same things we carry on trying to keep up. I do not suppose to have the all the answers or a better way of living, I think what has happened for K and I is that three aspects of our life have steered us further toward alternative ways of living - financial difficulty (which was partly the impetus for us giving up the car, and for exploring alternative ways of surviving and socialising); Beau's now thankfully infrequent biting which had us look more deeply into our parenting and our unconscious attitudes around control and freedom and staying true our most heart felt intentions; and underlying all of it our ongoing inner inquiry and observation and attempts to integrate (until someone discovers that the only obstacle to enlightenment is a mineral deficiency...) God/Buddha/ All That Is/ The State of Pure Presence or whatever you may choose to call It, with the activities of daily life. (hmm no wonder we are tired.) And we suspect that maybe just maybe there are other ways to do this Human Being in The World thing that are more simple, more relaxed, more embracing of others' needs, more sustainable and more fun and require a lot less funds.
If you have the answers don't hesitate to illustrate them in clear point form and don't skimp on pictures - we must have proof!
PS Happy Spring everyone Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently our computer doesn't realise we've moved on from winter. It's SO An Hour and a Half Ago!

Here, there and everywhere .

A week on from my little holiday and I am starting to get the Oh Dear I Do Miss the Land of My Birth Blues. I do believe that the flying of me over there and the degree of lovin' I received from friends and family was a meditated plan to have me return to Melbourne with the planted seed of desire to up-root my boys from our home of 5 years and gypsy it back to WA with her Indian ocean smells and big clear blue sky and lolling coastal train ride to increasingly gentrified but still so pretty and dear to my heart Fremantle. Oh west coast temptress with your quiet, unpretentious facade harboring creative potential and the promise of your fertile southern shores. I was determined not to come back romanticising you in any way. I had Eckhart Tolle on the MP3 player both legs of the plane journey - you'd think that his utterly inspiring advice on being always present right here right now would have permeated somehow. But alas my mind being what it is, despite odd moments of clarity and awareness, dips and dives between here and now and there and then and before and later!!
This is not to say that the joy of returning home was in any way depleted. Such bliss in my heart to see my boys crouched at the gate - Beau's delayed but beaming recognition of my return which carried on over the next few days through sweet happy exclamations of "Mummy home from aeroplane" (inferring that he thinks I've been up in the air all this time?) We have swung back into the routine that keeps our shared life sane and steady - that isn't always easy to bare when it costs our relationship time and energy but is still worth sticking up for when the mind goes a romancin' with the idea that 'everything will be better when...'. K and I are trying to practise presence in our lives so that the challenges of busy city lives as parents and partners and home owners do not undo us and we are grateful for the good people we have around us here. We talked last night about how we are feeling - about moving states, about having another child and the amazing one we've already been so fortunate to bring along. We have hit a stasis of sorts where my wish for a bigger family and to simplify and slow down are in the sort of contrast to K's wish for meaningful employment, travel, study and spiritual pilgrimage, that means we need to sit with it all and find out if we can do it all, and if only some of it - what will be let go of. K's wise last words of the evening were "let's not try to DO anything unless we are doing it from a relaxed, present. aware space". That's dead sexy talk that is! Lovely man. Excellent co pilot on this sometimes turbulent journey through time and space. Now I must sleep before I go analogy mad.

Accidental Art

We painted this fibro wall at the back of our garden with left over watery dregs from the roller tray having painted our east wall in lime wash. I love that despite how motley it is, is looks wonderful next to the rusty red iron. Just having that colour against the green veges....The garden is looking quite neglected at present and in dire need of mulching. The glorious rain did come and turn our back yard into a mud pit. Soon we will put gravel down for a pergola, and build a chook pen in the back corner (our garden converges into a point at the north east corner....love it) and lay sawdust paths around the vege circles and move the back fence and and and .....
Beau loves to be out in the garden looking for bugs under bricks and chasing the cat....I look forward to it being a space that we can spend endless hours in whatever the season.
We had a 'circle' on the weekend with two couples, great friends with whom we needed to discuss the whole biting issue. IT was a wonderful thing to do - meet without the kids and have a couple of hours for each of us to talk about how we feel and what we would like to do about it. It wasn't easy either. I have had a lot of fear of judgment and I felt very vulnerable and nervous as I spoke. But it was a supportive space and we all felt very fortunate to be able to do something like that with each other. I think I'll be more able to relax and not take other parents' reactions so personally if their children are bitten and I also got to ask for more support when we are socialising with our children/ having play dates. K and I have found it really inspiring and reassuring to find Louise Porter's advice on guiding children's behaviour without punishment and reward. She has written a book called 'Children are People Too'.

Caught in Her jaws

It's way past my bedtime and my boys are fast asleep. My mind is full thoughts following "Notes on a Scandal" (great film) and a phone conversation with a friend. To back track a little Beau has for just over a year now had a tendency to bite and scratch other children in various situations; mostly when a conflict arises over a toy or space, or when he is tired or overwhelmed in a small space with many people. Sometimes he has bitten without provocation . It has been a big journey for us - not really for him as he is an innocent two year old who happens to have this impulse and has only just recently begun to understand what's goign on. K and I have done a lot of research, spoken to a lot of parents, consulted a lot of books, had many, many conversations and tried many ways of dealing with Beau's behaviour and it seems we are not alone. It seems that it is the sort of behaviour that eventually ceases and usually when language becomes such that verbal communication can be used and encouraged. We are at that point now where Beau's language and understanding is actually very good and it will be interesting to see what happens form now on.
But my Gods it has been challenging. So much stuff comes up in me and in other parents. Now and then we encounter parents who don't feel triggered by their children experiencing pain or distress and can separate their feelings from their children's. But more often than not it is an emotionally charged situation. Sometimes I can have that spaciousness too, but often I feel very confused and that I have to please every other parent and be seen to be doing 'the right thing', and given that pleasing everyone is impossible, shame then emerges and all i want to do is remove myself and my child from the situation. Sometimes that is actually the best thing to do. My love for Beau is unwavering even in those times when I have ashamedly felt angry at him for biting, because it presents a situation that I find difficult. But that's about me not him . An adult should know better but a two year old child has much to learn about cause and effect and responsibility. For a long while yet I am responsible for Beau. There are times when I feel quite isolated; I stopped taking Beau to playgroup and I've tended towards one on one play dates rather than groups.Steiner philosophy suggests that until the age of two or three a child isn't naturally geared to socialising - that a toddler is happier at home with parents in a gentle, simple, nurturing environment. We have found this to be the case for Beau and because of this I haven't felt that keeping him out of playgroup is detrimental to his development. I must also say that Beau is a very loving, friendly, bright, responsive, and joyful little boy, who loves his friends and when the playing is good it's great. My sadness tonight is for the limitations we as adults create for ourselves and our children when we project our beliefs and conditioning onto others and are then unable to see what is really going on in the present moment. That our children love each other unconditionally and do and say things to each other but come straight back from an outburst or an altercation and play as if the moment is completely fresh and they hold no grudges. Yet we adults have years of habitual thought processes and emotions and opinions and expectations that we allow to cloud what would otherwise be the same moment of fresh possibilities. I'm trying to practice awareness and presence. Trying to notice what my mind is doing, trying to be patient with what is going on for others. I want so much to raise Beau without shaming him . I would love for him to feel that he is allowed to make mistakes and still have space and love to be himself. Both K and I wish to find the balance between boundaries and freedom, not to try to control Beau but to hold him firmly and lovingly and in ourselves to let go and relax so that we really can be there for him fully present. It isn't easy because conditioning is hard to break but I feel that this whole biting thing has been an enormous lesson and I'm actually grateful for it. It has taught me so much about myself and my relationship to others . I've learned so much about what Beau needs and it has shown me that there is a fine line between being protective and being controlling. There's so much more to come. Skeleton Woman reminds me to stay close to the process, that when we want to run is when we should turn and face the pursuer and let ourselves be vulnerable. So i"ll take my wobbly self off to bed and sleep for few hours before Beau wakes up and says "Cuddle Mummy" and climbs under the covers and snuggles up to me and a whole new day of bliss and challenges begins.