The Body a Tree

The body a tree
God a wind

When he moves me like this,
Like this,
Angels bump heads with each other
Gathering beneath my cheeks,
Holding their wine
Barrels

Catching the brilliant tear,
Pearl

Rain.


Hafiz

Happy New Year lovely people. I have hardly been at the computer these days hence the long space between posts. Finally, on the last day of the year I have finished the White Tara painting! In honour of this momentous event I bought more canvases in hope that in the new year I will do more paintings than I have in the last 5 years.






I won't talk about what I've done in the last few months. So much has happened. I hope to be back to some regular posting in the new year and I'm looking forward to hearing what you've all been up to. xxx

Listening to The Swell Season, Rodrigo y Gabriella.

Bluebird by Charles Bukowski

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

spring in the city..

Our house...


martin's garden...



Listening to Beats Antique, Anouar Brahem, Elvis Costello

last days in the bush

and back again...

In two weeks Beau and I move back to the city, a gorgeous big house to be shared by friends, close to everything including the creek. We will miss, the neighbours, the trees, the sunsets and the owls talking to each other all night long from opposite sides of the gully. But I won't be sad because this move is necessary and timely and because my city friend and I have become lovers. This beautiful man knows about bees and oils and plants and music from far away places. Things that can soften the edges of the city. We have been laughing,singing, playing with our children, remembering, talking about God,loving and marveling. Happy.

Our new house mates are lovely. A and her son J. A house full of light. A huge garden begging for chickens and a deck on which to drink wine as the nights become warmer. I can't say 'this is it'.My mind would sometimes like to know when we can finally 'dig in' but my heart is satisfied with this step. I've let go of a good deal so this move is lighter on many levels. Beau will be closer to his Dad. There will be an ease to the week's rhythm. We can get back on our bikes. Suddenly he can do so much - skate board,swim, ride his big bike.... His body is growing and he is discovering physical confidence. The size of his smile is equal in proportion to the wave of joy I feel when I watch him cross another threshold.

I am belly dancing, playing my guitar often, and thinking about seedlings and what I will bake in the new kitchen and how I will earn money in the city. I would like to run another choir and teach singing.

How is your spring starting out?

Listening to new Hope Sandoval -Through The Devil Softly, Bill Withers, Hamsa El Din and Feist.

beautiful photos

Elizabeth Perotin.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

one more....

..in honour of tonight's full moon.



What Should We Do about that Moon ?

A wine bottle fell from a wagon
And broke open in a field.

That night hundred beetles and all their cousins
Gathered

And did some serious binge drinking.

They even found some seed husks nearby
And began to play them like drums and whirl.
This made God very happy.

Then the 'night candle' rose into the sky
And one drunk creature, laying down his instrument
Said to his friend - for no apparent
Reason,

"What should we do about that moon?"

Seems to Hafiz
Most everyone has laid aside the music

Tackling such profoundly useless
Questions.


...and just because he's damn cute..



Listening to Bassnectar, Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Gadgo Dilo

And just because we can NEVER have too much Hafiz....


I know the Way You Can Get

I know the way you can get
When you have not had a drink of Love:

Your face hardens,
Your sweet muscles cramp.
Children become concerned
About a strange look that appears in your eyes
Which even begins to worry your own mirror
And nose.

Squirrels and birds sense your sadness
And call an important conference in a tall tree.
They decide which secret code to chant
To help your mind and soul.

Even angels fear that brand of madness
That arrays itself against the world
And throws sharp stones and spears into
The innocent
And into one's self.

O I know the way you can get
If you have not been drinking Love:

You might rip apart
Every sentence your friends and teachers say,
Looking for hidden clauses.

You might weigh every word on a scale
Like a dead fish.

You might pull out a ruler to measure
From every angle in your darkness
The beautiful dimensions of a heart you once
Trusted.

I know the way you can get
If you have not had a drink from Love's
Hands.

That is why all the Great Ones speak of
The vital need
To keep remembering God,
So you will come to know and see Him
As being so Playful
And Wanting,
Just Wanting to help.

That is why Hafiz says:
Bring your cup near me.

For I am a Sweet Old Vagabond
With an Infinite Leaking Barrel
Of Light and Laughter and Truth
That the Beloved has tied to my back.

Dear one,
Indeed, please bring your heart near me.
For all I care about
Is quenching your thirst for freedom!

All a Sane man can ever care about
Is giving Love!

(if you know of such a man, CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY!!!!)

Absolutely Clear

Don't surrender you loneliness
So quickly
Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft
My voice
So tender,

My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.

...Hafiz....

Getting there my friends...just popping in to say hello. Beau and I are house sitting in the city for a few weeks. Very nice to have friends so close, to zip up the road to meditate with Jen, or drop in at the old work and buy veg and chat, or to wander down the road on foot to all conveniences. It's strange to be away from the bush and from the folks out there. Such a big time. They need their space to grieve. Finding home for Beau and I that we can be in for a long time, feels like the most important thing right now. And work for me.
I hope you are all well and happy! xxx

Such a sad week here it has been. way down deep in the heart sad. I have no idea how to write about it sensitively, articulately. still a sense of the unreal. i think I will need to hold it close for a while, for my friends, to allow it enough space.... Such a wild, crazy year, for so many people. It's almost as if there is some kind of quickening from underneath pushing us closer to ourselves and each other. In the midst of so much sadness there is always the wonderous surge of love and generosity and support. Be well and safe and happy and present dear ones, this life is slippery.

making my s..s..s..single bed...

Oh lordy, lordy, lost in the quagmire that is house hunting. Have been approved for one that we may well take, back in the city. I feel like all I do is move house. and for this reason I'm feeling the pressure for it to be a good decision. Not going to be wanting to move again for a long time. Too exhausting. Here's a bit of a run-down...

1)GOOOOD news! My brother and sister-in-law have at last had IVF success! HOORAY. Such a long and bumpy road for anyone. Their happiness is a blissfully welcome thing.

2)Been reading more and more on home schooling and feeling more and more inspired. My friend is in the process of choosing the right school for her wee ones, and finding it quite bewildering. At least her efforts will reap reward in the long run. But still an unenviable task. Who do you trust to look after you most precious ones for the greater part of the week?

3)Am getting used to being a Single Person slowly but surely, though the transition between those three days of just me, to then being intensively with Beau, is an interesting challenge. I feel distracted by each one at each change over. And then I think god is that what it's like for Beau? I imagine it gets easier, smoother somehow. Personally I am finding the time goes very fast. I am so grateful for both the time to myself, to play my guitar until late into the night, to belly dance in my room all day, to walk long walks and think my own thoughts; and then for the precious one on one time with my beautiful, perspicacious, affectionate, funny and sometimes very pissed off little boy. There is a great sadness and missing and even some guilt when he is not there and I am Doing My Thing. Am I allowed to be happy with the way things are? This is not what I thought Family Life was going to be like.I am doing an amount of grieving, a lot of rebuilding, heaps of rediscovering and a great deal of Letting Go. What I'm finding great joy in, is the morning preparation for Beau's afternoon return, by way of cleaning, cooking, making, arranging....my labour of love, my Karmayoga. When he comes home there is evidence of the consistency of my love radiating through these things.

4) I LOVE belly dancing. Had I discovered American Tribal Style and Tribal Fusion 20 years ago that would have been it for me. I am also finding a strength in my singing voice that 30 years ago, when I began playing guitar, I wished for. It would appear, that at 41, through circumstances I tried hard to avoid, this late bloomer is finding her Mojo.

May yours be flooding towards you too if not already stealthily parading within.

Listening to Beats Antique, Martha Wainwright, Lykke Li, and the rain....

I say 'Amen' Soule Papa!

Hi.It's been a while. I've been house hunting, playing my guitar with renewed fervor, belly dancing, meditating, loving Pink Lady apples, drinking lots of chai (with extra cardamon and cloves)having long night talks rugged up on the verandah of an evening, staying up far too late, and bush walking with my little guy and the furry four legged. And I have been quietly visiting all of you lovelies too xx





Listening to Bon Iver, Mark Olson and Gary Lewis, Noosha Fox (S.s.s single Bed, Single Bed, aint no room for your sweet head....)and Martin's new tin whistle solos.
And watching lots of this woman's work and dreaming.....
Rachel Brice tribal Fusion Belly Dance

ring the bells that still can ring
forget your perfect offering
there's a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in
(mr cohen)


http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/

listening to Morcheeba, Anthony and the Johnsons, Serge Gainsborough

here to there and still somewhere in between

What to say. It was more than I could have expected. Rinpoche gave us everything we could possibly need and in that light we practiced and played, laughed, sang, swam and walked and talked. The children ran wild and free, grubby and happy. I feel full to the brim, of love on all levels. Some real peace between K and I. Now as always, the ongoing challenge to allow this calm, presence to remain in daily life at home.

Small Boy Heaven

It was a good day. My wee boy and I. Clacking along the railway, pure joy. Everything going green at last. Loved the drive which we haven't done since end of January.

Time to knit woolen socks. Time to get the heater out of storage, seal the gaps in the roof and walls, buy blankets. Suddenly it is cold. Loving it!

Listening to Triple R radio (streaming)

A lot of this happening here these days. Spectacular. A particularly fine burnt orange one sinking as I type.



At times I have been out and about and witnessed many a Bloggable sight and had to let them go due to having forgotten the camera. But mostly I've been having an extra-bloggial affair with my journal which cops the unrestrained out pourings of this often over loaded mind. How I wish that the concept of Dumbledore's Pensieve could be manifested in reality - a safe vessel in which to store thoughts to be dealt with at a more convenient time.

Here are some thoughts that are safe for public display.....

1. Rinpoche is here. We will be on retreat with him as of next Friday. I'm looking forward to sitting with him. Just that. Swimming in his presence.

2. Currently negotiating Shared Care of beloved child. My least favourite thing to do in this life to date. Am counting on the swim in the above mentioned ocean of Grace and Stillness to absorb these qualities enough to bring back and apply them to that task. Fortunately K and I are able to talk respectfully regardless of the degree of difficulty involved.

3. Said beloved child has become all of a sudden extremely perspicacious (thank god for spell check...)and can fortunately express some of his feelings about this matter (2.)

4. My brother makes a very, very fine Rose (as in 'Rosay') which he has named Jose (as in 'Hhhhosay')which I am enjoying as I type and which may have a welcome soporific effect (not enough sleeping going on of late due to non-existence of Pensieve).

5. I had the trawl of all trawls at Savers on Tuesday - 2 skirts, one pair of trousers, a very hot (as in 'hhhhot') retro frock, 2 jumpers (one, a little bit Sophia Loren), and 4 tops and I only stopped there because I was having a hypoglycemic meltdown due to skipping lunch because I was in there for HOURS.

6. Just spent two very solitary weeks without the neighbours (on holiday). It wasn't until Beau, Flash the dog and I bounced around their car on ,barking and wagging that I realised how lonely I had been. It was however Good For Me, Soul Searching, Character Building etc etc not to avoid it.


7. Tibetan Monks are working on a sand mandala in town, marking what seems to be a time of healing. Life in these parts seems to be not so much back to normal but continuing with added purpose and acts of great generosity and community spirit.

Listening to PJ Harvey; White Chalk and The Danque; a Compilation of West African Funk.

sartorialist eye candy

Just quietly, I love long socks with shoes/sandals. The kookier the better.

How do I speak to thee? Let me count the ways...

Email - check. great love it, very convenient.
Blog - been a source of great inspiration and community, but just barely keeping up with that lately, have been more inclined to write in my diary.
Facebook - check. like to find old friends but haven't the stamina for it really.
Flicker - haven't done it but enjoy perusing.
Myspace - seems a bit arbitrary on top of all of the above.
Twitter - can someone please explain what the hell twitter is all about?

Does anyone write a good old fashioned letter these days?


Music today: the Essential Leonard Cohen, Sigur Ros -Takk.

a week

A long walk in the moonlight, fuchsia sunset, sweet breeze. The bush is our friend again. Mother Nature gives some reprieve. The urge to run to the city has abated somewhat for now. Just being here with Lou's (Rhodes) gorgeous voice (Lamb has been one of my favourite bands). This will be the soundtrack to a new autumn.

can you hear it

rain. washing the car, settling the dust, soothing the nerves, hopefully putting out fire. autumn at last.

a few things from last week

Smoke in the gully

Knitting a blanket for Bridge's soon to be born baby #3. So very much looking forward to seeing him/her appear.

22 Feb - Trying to get back into some kind of rhythm. Met with all the neighbours today who are part of our fire phone tree. A lovely bunch of people who I am only just getting to know. Tomorrow another warm one with big winds forecast. The unease is still with us all and the bags are packed with necessities for days in town. I put in an application for a very sweet little house further in toward town which coincidentally is being vacated by a woman I know and her 3 year old daughter. The house exuded her warmth and lusciousness. With that and the knowledge that it has nurtured another single mama before me, I thought it worth a try. I'm craving a home so much, one that Beau and I can be in for at least 2 years. It really truly is time to stop and be still. (I've just read back over almost all my blog entries and am reminded that this has been a running theme...)

Sitting in our little studio feeling the sweetness of the cool wind and savouring the earlier sight of a roo jumping through the gully. Everything is seeming so much more precious out here and I am feeling immense gratitude and empathy. The tears are plentiful tonight - the first time I've really had to let the events of the last 6 days sink in, having heard neighbours' stories this morning, read more media, speaking to my aunt who luckily got out of Marysville but lost her home and many friends. There's a strong bond strengthening within the community which has me realise that although I've been here for 6 months I haven't fully entered it, for various reasons. Whilst considering moving back to the city where I might feel less isolated as a single parent, I am all of a sudden feeling more connected here to the land and the people. Contemplating the many ways in which I might be of some benefit whatever I ultimately decide. These are some of the links and places I've come across via blog friends and research.


Nillumbik Shire

Donate to or foster an animal through Animal Aid

Victorian Bushfire Public Accommodation Donation Line - 1800 006 468 (8am-8pm)

To utilise your craft skills;
Knit4charities
Handmade Help
Honey Bee stores are organising care bags to go out to children in bushfire affected areas.

Register to volunteer help at GoVolunteer

Shop at Coles, Safeway and Woolworths tomorrow (Friday 13th Feb) where 100% profit will go to Bushfire aid.

And so much more that Meet Me At Mikes has comprehensively listed on their fantastic blog

I hope I'm not coming across with too much self pity. There is definitely a thread of sadness that relates to K not being here to share the emotional load, and to seeing how Beau is carrying the events of the last month. But above that I can't articulate adequately, the depth of feeling I have for everyone and every being affected, that is connecting me to the grief and pain that is felt all the time in places that are usually removed from me geographically and personally. I know everyone is experiencing the same thing and that this grieving process is important. It's wonderful to read all your posts. You are a lovely bunch indeed.

refuge

Been in town since Saturday morning when it was clear that staying at home would have been at the very least f***ing uncomfortable.Beau and I headed for a swimming pool then back to my brother and sister-in-law's place at which point one of our neighbours kindly phoned to suggest that going home wasn't such a good idea. Not long after, we realised the devastation that was already underway 15 minutes from home and the death toll started rising. I finally drove home this morning, both Beau and I hoping to stay and see the neighbours and be close to our community. I stopped at the local Store to buy bread and burst into tears as soon as I entered. It's all too sad and the whole community/state/country is in shock. We changed our clothes, looked out for signs of the neighbours, I chucked out the manky veges, tried the radio and when there was no power I felt nervous and packed a couple of bags. There was still smoke in the air and what felt like an unpredictable wind. Tahli arrived and we decided to leave again, the neighbours too. It feels better to be with friends in the city than to be worried at home. Hard to believe how big this is. Too sad.

For news http://www.abc.net.au/news/events/bushfires
For updates http://www.cfa.vic.gov.au/incidents/incident_summary.htm
For donations 1800 811 700 or www.redcross.org.au

Fires are still burning in Beechworth and Churchill. My thoughts and prayers go to everyone affected.

soundtrack of a life

Listening to the Cocteau Twins - Lullabies to Violaine, remixes, extended, alternate versions of all the goodness that is their ethereally textured and tongued music, that has at so many times in my life kept me together - through a drawn out break up with my first boyfriend,on long train journeys across Europe, in the lonely closet of a room in Tooting Bec, cleaning at 7am in an empty cafe in Covent Garden for less than respectful employers, in dappled green lit danish forests, on foot over the London Bridge searching for a friend, and on one memorable occasion on a mountain top at midnight on a tiny Greek island with a beautiful young french/greek man who shared the same love of the Twins and whisked me up there on his motor bike...
Some music brings you to earth, some stirs you up, some makes you want to move, some goes deep and pulls at what lies beneath, some casts you gracefully and soulfully up and out of the mind. The latter is the Cocteau Twins for me. Them and a little Mazzy Star too. What does it for you?

postcard from the edge

So the word on the street this morning was that it was 48 here yesterday; that domestic chickens and tree dwelling birds and marsupials were dropping dead in front of people's eyes....Driving to Warburton in the afternoon to find respite in the river revealed the town to be the only green place, in this part of the state anyway - so dry and drooping the land and trees from here to there to the city and back again.

Our little guy turned 4 yesterday Now officially 'a big boy' and wishing to do many things by himself. He received some money from his sweet grand folk and Aunt and Uncle, and declared that he would buy himself a train with a snow plough, which indeed he did today - the electric variety that goes around and around. He is currently asleep with two carriages in hand. And tonight, with the blessed breeze trying to find its way into our little shack, I bake - all things going to plan - a chocolate banana cake shaped like a train. Tomorrow promises to be cooler somewhat which means the little party can go ahead.

K and I are trying to find our way, through birthday and heat wave and sadness and confusion. It would be helpful to know how to do this separation thing; some kind of manual specifically tailored to us. A simple step by step guide to Moving into New Life with minimal impact on all concerned. Other than breathing deeply, and applying concentrated empathy, it seems we are destined to Make It Up As We Go Along and ride out these days where we feel we are making a right f*** up of it all. I go from not thinking about anything ,just laying about playing four year old games, to following a thousand thoughts about where to live, how to survive financially, will someone ever love and stick it out with me 'til I'm old and wrinkled, will earth crash into sun...etc etc, the former being much more relaxing and some of the latter inevitably requiring consideration. Right now I will contemplate this challenge - coloured icing made from kuzu powder, coconut cream, palm sugar and beetroot. Such is my love of the children and their parents, expressed in this attempt to avoid sugar and artificial additive meltdown. The pure cacao might well keep them awake for some time though. I selflessly licked the bowl to determine its potential affect.
May you and your animals be calm and happy, may your skin care products live to tend another day, may your gardens be revived and your homes be ventilated.

Tuesday....
After Beau's pool party we staggered back to Jen's place, happy and a little sunburned, for dinner. we went out to pick some very challenged but edible silver beet which survived the heat thanks to Jen's care - shaded in a way so very appropriate to Jen's character, in lace curtain - always gorgeous, never shabby.



And now so very sleep deprived and attempting to make good this Time On My Own. resisting the urge to clean...............yup, urge gone!

PS Kuzu icing a total flop, but the Agar Agar version set after some hours in the fridge. Looked a bit more like custard that icing but hey it would have been sweet and aesthetically pleasing. Didn't set in time for party so the train looked somewhat......rustic. A normal person would probably have stuck to the more volatile but dependable old icing sugar ,butter and food colouring variety, but i am apparently bent on being super mum during this challenging period. Somebody slap me!

leonard and salvador, two very fine lads

Dear Mr Cohen, thank you for your humble, generous and absolutely riveting performance last night. You brought tears to our eyes and made us laugh and ponder. By the way I am recently separated and open to rebounding with a dignified older man such as yourself.
yours sincerely Kirti


I have been given the honour of the title of Godmother to these lovely little toes, all 10 of them, plus the hands and fingers, the chubby knees, wispy hair and glorious smile - the whole, delicious Salvador.

gobsmacking

sandra backlund

figs, friends and francophilia

Here's a photo of Teresa and I singing our first song at the festival in December, O the Dreadful Wind and Rain (Gillian Welch and Dave Rawlings version. Looking forward to some more singing. Right now I'm thinking accordion, violin and some french chansons.....

and for Toby and Ryonen, the promised no fail Fig Jam recipe (it's hard to f*** up fig jam really) from Stephanie Alexander...(I love you two xxxxxxxxxxxx)


(photo care of www.foodpast.com)

1kg ripe figs
750g sugar
1 large lemon washed and finely sliced
1/3 cup red wine vinegar (I guess you could use apple cider vinegar???)

slithered almonds and ginger optional

Cut figs into bite size chunks
Mix with sugar and tip into large non reactive saucepan that will hold figs comfortably
Pulse lemon for a few seconds in food processor to make smaller pieces
Add lemon and vinegar to pan
Give it a good stir
Bring to boil over moderate heat
Cook for about 30mins stirring intermittently to prevent sticking
test for setting by placing a dollop on a cold saucer; when it cools you should be able to stick your finger in it and it will part the blob without running back together.
allow to cool for 10 minutes then spoon into hot sterilised jars and seal.

Happy Jamming lovelies.

spoonful of sugar

With no chocolate in reach and no desire to drink, i drown my sorrows at the sartorialist. Look at her, she's fabulous.

I guess I knew the meltdown would come. Immense sadness, around Beau and the imminent division of time, space and objects, the loss of K's company already, fear, anger, all the usual things, plus some relief now and then. It will be a completely new start which will at some point be exciting but currently somewhat overwhelming. The prospect of creating the nest I've wanted for so long (solo)and letting go of everything so that anything is possible.....

On the upside? A barrage of love, and words and offers of support from all corners.
(thank you so much) and the wisdom of those who have been through it all and show how life goes on beautifully.

Beau and i watched Kiki's Delivery Service again tonight. We are on a bit of a Studio Ghibli bender. Friday night is our designated movie night (from which we sometimes stray. If you are ever stuck for good children's films then just peruse the Studio Ghibli selection. The two that are most appropriate for 4 and up are My Neighbour Totoro and Kiki's Delivery Service. Not only are they Japanese Anime at it's best but they absolutely capture the wild free spirit of childhood and are a welcome dose of magic and wholesome goodness for a world weary parent.

Tara is coming along after a whole day of painting. Should be finished any day now..................

Changes

I've been avoiding writing a new post because K and I are separating. I planned to write something comprehensive to explain it all, to make some sense of it, to let it be real etc, etc. It's been a long time coming really and the last week and a half has been pretty huge and at times emotional but I have to say that there is more relief than pain and we are actually fine with each other and working it all out with love and respect. I don't want to say too much here. There's something so sacred about this blog space for me. I want to be honest about what is happening in my life but I don't want this to turn into a temporary blog about separation. I will however happily share any insights from time to time as there have already been many.

It's bloody hot and windy and I'm at home alone while the boys are off to the pool. I plan to paint so as to have Tara finished as soon possible. There are 3 other canvases awaiting and ideas swimming around amongst all the other stuff in my head. I will do some contemplating as to what I might be needing from this point on and of course what is best for Beau. Thankfully we are welcome here for as long as we need to be here. K is going to live in a friend's mobile home on the property while we sort out our lives, with the idea being that it will help Beau with the transition.

I keep checking in with myself, in my body too, to see if there are feelings I'm holding back, keep offering myself to have a bloody good cry or to rage even a little, but there's none of that there. Of course I have my thoughts about what this separation means and I have done my best to pitch all reasons why we should stay together. But the undeniable fact is that I'm just not miserable or angry, and I'm actually enjoying the energy that's released as I bit by bit let go. I'm also noticing that there is no love lost except when thoughts arise to block it. Beau will be loved and Kama and I will be loved and we will continue to love each other as friends and co parents. I'm sure there will be times where either or all of us will find it difficult. Hopefully this respect we still have for each other will make those things easier to negotiate.

We drove down to Red Hill on Sunday with Tine and Mannie, to Jen's 40th (and a half) gathering, just a few friends and family at a home/winery overlooking grape vines and ocean. It felt like Tuscany, far from home and the kids romped about with all that space and sun. Good food, good wine, and very good friends. Much needed.

Dad and Barb were here a couple of weeks ago. It felt right to have the family together for the first time since my brother's wedding, and it was a soft place to land when the reality of separation hit. (I have contact again with my cousin Suz with whom I share a wonderful connection ). Now I miss them all the more. The daughter me is yearning to be closer to Dad. Not so much in self pity but as I said to a friend the other day, more just acknowledging the bond of family throughout all other changes. Even though separated parents always have a bond through their children, it's not the same as the bond of blood. I don't know that my blood family would necessarily be more supportive than our wonderful extended family over here. I'm just prone to moments of great nostalgia at the moment. It's quite soothing.